Sweat and Blood in the Dungeons
by phatphingers
Summary: A love tale throughout the ages, Harry must decide the best course of action when his true love Severus becomes severely ill with typhoid diabetes. Harry fondly recalls the their wild and crazy youth and the blissful night they met at a potluck party in the Omega Zeta Yung Creme Fraternity. If you don't like passionate romance and rollercoasters of emotion, this one isn't for you.
1. The Rape

A/N: Hey guys, so this is something new I've been working on for a long time. This piece is really important to me, and I worked really hard on it. It might get a liiiiitle bit graphic, so not for the under 15s, but I hope everyone who's old enough to appreciate it enjoys it. Read and review please! Thanks. :)

Chapter 1: The Rape

It was muggy day in October, and Harry was sweating. For the first time since he could remember, he was actually happy to be making his way down to the cold dungeons for Potions class. He was in such a hurry to cool down that he was among the first students there, only coming in after overachievers like that bushy-haired mustachio'd Hermione. Snape looked up when Harry entered, and began sweating too. Harry's eyes sparkles in the dim lights, and Snape thought of Lily. Harry really looked more like his father, but every time Snape looked into those eyes... They... they reminded him of _her_, and the things he felt back then. Snape blushed and looked back down to his work, a bead of sweat dribbling downhis crooked nose.

In a trembling motion, the bead of sweat dangled, then listlessly fell to the earth. His serpentine tongue poked out of the corner of his mouth, feeling around for any more sweatdrops. There were none, so he fervently and embarassedly ran his tongue over his luscious pouty lips. Harry was watching. He always watched. Harrys neck was heated. His elbows twitched. He was horny. His hand slowly reached down his robes...

Snape withdrew his greasy handkerchief and wiped his even greasier brow. Harry was one of his students! Why did he have a boner right now? He glances across the classroom at the few students who had come early to study. Zabini was listening to his iPod in the corner while looking over his notes, that bushy haired girl, whos mustache seemed to currently be growing was writing something furiously while drooling, and Harry... Well. Harry was making a very interesting face indeed. 8O

Wait a minute! Snape knew that face! He knew it from the many lonely nights he spent in his study, rubbing himself and staring at himself in the mirror while crying! Harry was being very naughty today indeed. Snape's lips curled into a menacing grin.

Snape tingled down below. Harry suddenly looked very relaxed. It made snape..not. He lurched slowly over to Harry. He slammed his fists down and screamed. Harry was surprised. "DETENTION! MY OROFICE AT 8 TONIIIIIITE!"

Harry's eyes filled with tears and shame. Mostly shame, since he still had his hands in his pants. "B-B-B-BUT PROFESSOR! YOU CAN'T! I have a date tonight! (with DESTINY!)", Harry grinned about when he thought of all his exciting new adventures he was going to go on this year. His face returned to one of anguish.

"CLASS DIMISSED!" Snape shouted as the rest of the students filed in. Draco frowned, dropped his head, and left hurtedly.

"CLASS DISMISSED!" snape swooped into his cloak and spinned from the room. .Harry crawled onto his board with wheels (to hide his enormous cock), and scooted after, until another student kicked him into a closet. (it was draco/ he wanted harry in the closet.)

Harry sat in the darkened closet and cried softly to himself. Nothing ever seemed to go right. And he always felt so confused! Ever since he kissed Hermione that one time when she hadn't shaved recently, he'd been wondering what it would be like to be with a man. He was sure he was into girls like Cho, and Pansy(?) but since that night over the summer, he'd been having dreams. Dreams about people he loathed, like Draco and Ron and... EVEN SNAPE! ARGHGHGH HE HATED HIMSELF.

By the time harry gained his composure, it was % to 8. he sprang up and rolled at the doorknob. He then realized how silly it was to be using the BWW when he no longer had a boner, so he stodd, blushed, and opened the door. He galumphed down to the dungeon, (oh wait he was already there lol). So WAS SNAPE. ? Snape looked up, his hand hurriedly coming up from his really deep pockets. "OH. It is YOU. Cum here! Boy! ;)" harry approashed him like a frightened bear. He sniffed the air gingerly. It smelled weirdly oddly strangely musky. He liked it. ;)

"STOP SNIFFING MY AAAAIR" Snape bellowed. "SIT THE FUCK DOWN YOU FUCKING TURD BAG!" Harry whimpered and sunk into his seat. it wouldnt be the only thing sinking into his seat tonIIIIIITe. Snape scribbles something illegible on the board. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS SAYS?" Harry whispered "no" and Snape said "AAARRGHHHH! YOU INSOLENT GINGER SPAWN!" Harry's head drooped while Snape kept railing into him. "It SAYS you have to write a KINKY ESSAY FOR MY ENJOYMENT, YOUCRAP STICK" Harry looked shocked briefly, but suddenly, he was turned on again. He oooozed precum. Snapr ran over him with a bumper car. Lulol. ;)

;);) WwooooaAAahhhHH, yyyyyeeeAAAAhhhH!

Harry began to write.

Furiouslys.

::::THIS IS WUT IT RED:::::

Ron touched me last night. I tried to get a way but he used my retard strength on me and I couldn't get away. He was mad that I kissed Hermione this summer, which was gross anyway but he was jealous and then he fisted me professor, he FISTED ME. I was so scared and I cried all night while the other young boys were listening to me and laughing to themselves. Always laughing... One day when I'm better at curses, Iwill get back at all of them and then I'll make out with all their girlfriends except Hermione because I didn't really want to in the first place. Also Ihave gay dreamsd about forced gay sex and then I wake up with a boner and I feel embarassed and then the guys laugh some more and I hate it so I fly around on my broom some but then Draco is out flying around too and he calls me mean names like "Potty" and "Harry Weiner" and "Harry Palms" and "Crusty" and "Harry butt" and "Harry ballz" and "Pus" and "dickface" and "cuntbag" and "grandma" and "leave me alone Harry I'm trying to do my homework stop rubbing yourself all over me" so then I go to the library but mean ol filch is there and he drools and says "'arry poTTTTTER" and then I run away and cry.

:::: End::::

Snape was in the corner. He fumbled with something small. A sound later told harry it was a susan boyle cd. As " I dreamed a dream" rolled slowly in the background, harry flet snape sidle up behind him. He felt ragged breath on the back of his nape. He could tell the professors eyes were roaming his paper. And his hands were roaming harrys backside. And side side. Harry blushed and curled inward "no Professor... this is... wrong." he whispered quietly.

"Just go with it." snape nibbled on his shoulder. Assnap stopped rubbing his nose on harry shoulder and let it frolick instead in his branzen locks, he looked AT the paper.

"THIS IS FUCKING HORIDDABLE I Will. Beet you; ?sometimes..." Harry stared up in terror. "... LIKERIGHTNOW!" he said suddenly! Harry was shocked as Snape dragged him to the from of the room. Harry baWKed an screamed and kicked. Andthen he liked it. After Snape had bound Harry's hands, he walked over to his desk. "Now Harry... You have been very naughty and it's time for you to be punished ;)~ Harry's ears shuddered with delight and terror. "Now lift your skirt, BOY"

"But I don't have a skirt! D:"

"Or do you? ;)~" Harry cried out as he realized his pants had been transfigured into a skirt when he wasn't paying attention (witch was always geddit/ lulo). Snape withdrew a paddle from his drawer. "Now Harry... don't make me do it for you! 3" Snape silently hoped Harry would be too scared, so he could run his fingers along Harry's creasmy legs. He cursed silently as Harry complied. :(

Snape twisted and curdled and Harry writed more of his essay while snape came from behind. It was rape, to be sure. Paddle paddle. Swat. Jiggle. Harry was so young and supple! It was a crime! Snape let out an extended "" as he pulled out (he didn't want a pregnancy to happen). Harry wrote the last words of his essay. "He cried out. And then it was over."


	2. The Molestation

A/N: Kay, guys, sorry this took a little while. I had to work on a paper for my last writing credits. Big fat research paper, it was awful. Anyway, I'm really glad to be back to doing what I love.

Chapter 2: The Molestation

Harry's bottom was sore the next day and he cried. Snape! He would never forget the way his greasy locks trailed over his young, creamy boy body as the older crow man made vicious love to him. But Harry had surpressed all that. He supressed it good. He removed the arm draped over his nubile ribcage, the arm of his dreaded foe, Ronald. Ron let him, but sufficed to chew his hair. Harry was fine with this. He wondered if hermione had shaved lately. His curiousity was piquing, like his forehead. "Stopit Ron." Harry said "stopit" again. Ron wasn't about to stop. He always liked the feeling of hair in his teeth. It made him feel like he was flossing and had good hygene. "I SAID STOP ITTTT!" Harry shoved Ron off of him violently. Ron recoiled with a tuft of black hair in his mouth and flew out the window to return to his perch. "i fukking hate owls" said harold.

Harry tromped down to the common room. Hermione was there, stretched out sexily on the couch. Her long straight black hair shimmering in the firelight. She said "'ELLO 'ARRY". Harry cringed at the sound of her deep alto. She could have passed for a man, probably, but Harry would never tell her that. Harry hid his tiny hands behind his back, and hovered near her like a fruit fly. He licked his lips nervously. "hermy" "hug?" "no. have you Shaved lately?" "uh...nah" she Passed Gas. Harvey was into it. He took in her luxurious scent and gave her bedroom eyes. "KISS ME BABE"

Just then, an eavesdropper, Ron, overheard and swooped in. "CAW CAW CAW" He clawed at Herry's face and transformed into the ginger 10 year old he once way. "STAY AWAY FROM HER!" He bit Harry's hair just let it happen. His mind was miles away on hermiones mustache. Next thing her knew, coarse short hairs were raking his neck. "touch me bad, Harry." Harry let out an extended "! unf! Unf! Unf!" as Hermione nibbles his ear.

When their lips touched, it was like all those years ago when Uncle Verno smooched on him, thinking he was Pertuna. Rom scrambled up to Harry's shoulder and whispered into his ear "she's miiiinnnne!" then he started slowly rubbing harry up and down, starting at the shoulders, hitting the elbows, and finally down to the ankles, where he lingered sensuously, lapping milk from his calves. MAN MILK. JUICING FROM HIS PENIS. Ronald (McDonald?) said "WHAR IS IT COMING FRUM"

This was too much! "OOHHH!" Harry collapsed on the floor and shivvered, more man milk oozing out of the bottom of his coolots pajama pants. "ooooohh... unf unf" Harry felt violated. His hated rival RON should not have been a part of this special time. Harry curled into a baller and cried. It reminded him of something... a time when... he also felt he'd been violated by something gross... SNAPE! The previous night all came back to him. He got flashes of Snape running his crusty hands along Harry's buttcrack. His own pleads for his professor to stop. It only made him cry harder. And then he fell asleep:(

:''''O Harry woke up in the dungeons. It was cold and wet. Something large was close. It was a crooked penis. With a penis tattooed on it. "i can identify the penis, ya honor!" he chided. Snape then bent down to bend harry over. "...nooOOoo!" the boy went limp. He pouted on the floor like it was a grocery store and he didnt get the toy he wanted. "geddup. Give it to me." the man breathed heavily. He cradled the young pottery in his hands. Harry flipped over obediently. Snape raped. This time, there was no backing out. Or pulling out.

He bought the boy ice cream and told him not to tell, it was a special secret and he would get into trouble if harry told. Harry didnt want him to get into trouble, right? Not when I keep giving you all these nice things? He motioned to a bunch of broken bottles on the ground that were wrecked in the inferno of passion. Harry just kept eating the ice cream with a blank smile on his face. "gud. Fucking kid fucking come in here, touch my things not let me touch him..." Harry rubbed his raw mustached scraped neck... and cried.

Snape dimissed him, and Harry walked back to his common room, holding the ice cream in one hand, and rubbing his poor butt with the other. He sat on the windowsill, licking ice cream and crying. Occasionally he let out a loud "SNAAAAAAPE!" before crying again, and rubbing his butt more. His butt was so sore he had to stop eating the ice cream, and use it to cool his butt instead. This was a new school year, that was supposed to be full of adventure. But not adventure like this...


	3. The Rapeless Date

A/N: Man, these are taking so long. Between finals and work, I've only had bits of time to work on this. This was my first free day, so I finished it up finally. I felt pretty good about this chapter, so I'm interested in what you think. Review please! :)

Chapter 3: The Rapeless Date

Harry lie still in his bed, tears rolling out his eyes, down his cheek, and into his ears. It gave everything a water sound but he DID NOT CARE. NOT ONE BIT. He didn't want to move his hands to stop his tears, because he felt like that would detract from his depression. So there he lay. Occasionally Ron would happen by and try to catch his tears, either with his finger, or by licking his face, but it was no good. Harry's eyeballs were leaking. And there was nothing that could be done.

SNAPE was in his office. He felt bad for the many rapings he had recently committed. v_v He had called the porter boy into his detention laire every night ffor the past month. The spankings gave way to cryings, and Snaper couldnt handle it anymore. He had to DO SOMETHING? So he had called in reservations at the nicest hotel in the area, and he would take the man child with him and they would eat the customary hotel food in the little hotel restaurant, (BUT LAY OF THE CROUTONSSSS). Snape planned on ordering the house salade and on the side an entre. He planned on ordering little Harry a salad too. Harry had chubby thighs as it was, he didn't need more help in the fatty depertment, what with how much the school fed them. He imagined carefully stabbing a cherry tomato with his fork, and gingerly feeding it to Harry. God he loved salads. And children. Hairy ones.

Harold was hungry. He needed to feed his jelly thighs. Not enough cellulite was formed on his mountain of croutonSSSS leggies. He wanted to be ugly so the rapings would stop. He sumtimes liked the rapings, sure, bet snapper was too ruff. Sometymes... Harry drifted into happy thoughts of food and the good rapes. For the first time in days, he spoke. "Ron, stop licking my face for a moment." Ron leaned away and pouted. "Rom, I need you to get me some dinner tonight. HARRY HUNGRYYY." He requested lots of croutonssss and a variety of extra ranch dressings. His favurite was blueberrry. He also wanted all the cheese in the world. Rom/ get me cheeeeeese. I need cheese or I wont tuch you nemore.

Ron barked, and ran out, his tail wagging behind him. What a good boy he was. He wanted a good pet for this. He barked inwardly as he drooled and ran off for a tennis balls. He slipped on his sachel and ran to the kitchen.

Harry still refused to move from his position. "I will have Ron feed me later" he thought to himself (and to Hermione). Harry was bored now. He whistled a tune. Snape heard, and finally chose to creep into the light from behind the door. Harry's whistle faded, and his eyes widened.

Soft baby hands curled around harrys shoulders. "i want to feed you." harold didnt respond. So snape opened his mouth and started regurgitating. Harry sat up and went "anoo nooo!" he sat up and snape ceased fire. "gud. I have ordered us food at this hotel down the way. I hear they have bedbugs, but that is ok." he smiled, and doing so made him so nervous he threw up anyways. Harry also threrw up when he saw the smile. It was not nice. It was wonderful. Once they emptied their stomachs onto Harry's bed, They looked into each other's eyes and blushed. Snape took out a fork and stabbed a tomato he'd eaten for lunch. "This is just as how I planned and wanted it to turn out." Harry smiled a little by smiled, rolled his eyes, and opened his mouth. Snape tenderly put the tomato down his throat and caressed his cheek. Harry gagged a little and wondered why Snape was caressing his own cheek. Snape withdrew the fork, and harryyy choked down the food. He went into a coughing fit, and couldn't seem to stop. It went on for 15 minutes. Harry coughing violently, occasionally throwing up a litte, and Snappe patting him on the back. Occasionally too hard. Finally, it was over. Harry looked at snape with bedroom eyes.

They weere at the hotel. Snape had caved and bought harry the lobster with extra thick butter sauce. His girl was hungry, he was going to feed him. Harry was in heaven. I mean, he wasnt leik, dead or anything, but happy none the less. For a whole half hours, he hadnt been raped. Or obscenely touched by reggie. Anyways, iot was very romantic. Snape watcched on, and harry thought he was hungry, the way he drooled so much, so he tossed a claw into snapes greasy hands. They sliped around a while, but snape finally got ahold and started scratching himself slowly all over his body with the claw while still watching harry eatt. It was hawtte.

Just then, they heard barking. Ron ran by, carrying a basket of food from the kitchen, as the hotel staff chased him. His cloak billowed behind him, and Snape grabbed onto it. "Mr. Weasby..." he said in his sexy voice. "Where do you think you're going with all thatf ood..." Ron whimpered, trying to grab his cloak back from Snape. "Do you think you'll get out of this with no rape? Think again." Harry reached across the table and lay a hand over Snapes. Snape turned to look at him, and Harry shook his head. Whether it was out of pity for this strange dog boy, or his love for Harry, he released the fabric. Ron kept running, bicuits and dog treats spilling out of the basket as he went. Harry felt proud. Snape had come so far.

He (harry lol) was done with his lobster. He wanted the REAL main course now. He coyly winked at snape, and then lifted his skirts, rotating sideways like he had seen a chicken once do. Some say Snapes cock grew 3 sizes that day. Harry blushed and looked away, shyly. Snape leaned over him and kissed him on the mouth, letting his tongue snake into Harry's mouth and feel around everywhere. His tongue stroked the inside of Harry's cheek, checking for tumors or something. He then felt around Harry's molars. Harry groaned. Snape finally withdrew his tongue and licked up Harry's nose. He wanted to know _every inch of him_. After he had ate his fill, he moved on to slowly carassing his round botttck. Harry whined. His tiny penis expanded into a whole three inches. Harry rubbed himself against Snaped rock hard abs. Snape grinned evilly and bit Harry's neck. Harry let out an extended "UUUNNNGGGHHHH! Unf unf unf!" Snape grinned again. His friends would be seeing the mark he'd rolled around like a crocodile under snapes chisseld body. Snape had shaved his chest, so it was smooth in spots. He wondered if harry would like his chest hairy heart tattooish. You know what I mean? ; ) he then made the boy still, and face the pillow. Harry bit into the pillow. Feathers were everywhere as snape lubed his young hole with spittle. Harry moaned "It's too biiiig"

"no it's nooot" Snape replied. He leaned over, so his wrinkly mouth was right near Harry's ear. "I'll be gentle." He eased his way into Harry's ass. Harry still felt like Snape's manhood was just too manly. He groaned. It felt like Snape's penis was being sheathed by Harry's penis. That's how far forward it felt like it was going. Snape had only just made it in, when harry's Hairy loins burst. Creamy white stuff (I can't remember what it's called) EVERYWHAR! snape rubbed it all over his body like mayonaise. "I always wanted to be in a sandwich" . He whispered softly into his own ear. Harry may have been spent, but Snape... oh, snape was only beginning. He continued to thrust. And still kept thrusting. And then some more. For ten hours this went on. Snape just couldn't seem to get off. Harry turned him on sooo much. It was like Neverending Story, only it was his cock that was the doggon. Funnily ennough, his staff wand was named "Falkor". He laughed while he pumped as he remembered fondly, the time that he gave his boner a nickname. He had had a lot of them in his school yuears, so he determined the best thing he could do was to laugh about it along with everyone else in the school. It was mostly James Potter who laughed. That bastard. His humping turned angry.

% years later, his giant cock doggon exploded and filled the room with that white stuff. Harry and him had to swim to the surface so they werent crushed. It was hard because the next 4 years snapes mouth was permanently in an "O" shape. So needless to say, he was (harry) happy to be saved from the drowning and being on fire from the white stuff. Snape escorted Harry back to his room. Outside the fat lady portrait, Snape looked around for other students. When he saw there were none, he kissed Harry gently on the lips. They had had their first date, and they wouldn't have wanted it to go any other way.


	4. Harry's Big Butt Surprise

A/N: Oh man, guys, I'm so sorry this took so long. I've been thinking about it for months, and trying to come up with just the right way to put this beautiful scene into words. I've been busy lately, but this came to me the other night, so I had to write it down. Hope you guys like it! I cried, and I hope you muster up a tear or two as well. :)

Chapter 4: Harry's Big Butt Surprise

Harry was crying again. He didnt know why. His whoremoans were ackin crazy. His nipples were tender and rock hard at the same thyme all the tymee. Sometimes they oozed. Creamy good-tasting stuff thaty went gud with cookies. He longed for cookies with the erasers and manilla flavoring. He hoped Snape would bring hism some.

Snape, meanwhile, was beginning to wonder if he could stand to stay with Harry. He was so fucking WHINY EVERY DAY. It was all I want this, I want that, stop putting it in my butt, I don't like being touched there. Snape was hard all the time for him, but... but sadly... that was not enough anymore. :(

Harry came into go to class in the sweaty bloody dungeons. (lol ;)) The blonde mistletoehead, Draco was in there. Herr Draco saluted hHarriy. "I hate you." he fondly said. Harry blushed deep crimson. Draco didnt like the boy blush. He loved it. They immediately had the dirtiest, most ugly passionate loving sex that that dungeon has ever seen. And it had seen like 15. they were all pretty good. Even the one with the fat lady and the broom. Kinda weird, but the room, he liked it. Snapper upon entering, threw up a mad CRY! BWAAAAAhhgg! He did not like Harry sharing his cat secrets with Dracola! He proceeded to stomp! And KICK! And then he ripped out handfuls of hair. Sometimes Dracos. Sometimes Harrys. Every time, his own. (It was hard to hold on to though because it was oily lolul) Draco finally sat up. "dont." He scoot around on the floor abit,. A little smart struck, and then he limoped towards the door. "dont." he left hurtedly.

'HOW CULD U DO DIS 2 MEEEEEEE!" Snape wept. Harry cried too because now he had bald spots and Draco would laugh at him more and call him 'Weeny Potter' again. He comfortedd Snap.

"I didn't mean too hurt you proffessorre." He whispered into Snapes dirty ear. He needed a Q-Tip, Harry noted. Afterall, Christmas was coming, and the goose was getting fat. Please to put a penny in the old man's hat. (If you haven't got a peeeenny a haypenny will do. If you haven't got a hay penny then God. Bless. You.) "Snape." he said, trying to get his attentioned. "Severussssss." he slithered. Snape looked up, his paper thin wrinkly toilet paper cheeks stained with brown poo tears. Harry smiled warmly, as vomit dribbled down his ladylike chin. "Do not cry for me. You know where my heart lies, probably." Snape smiled back, brown poo drool oozing between his teeth and out the sides of his mouth. He embrassed Harry.

"I love you, my tiny sugar plum dancer fairy," he whispered. Harry inhaled his fart smell happily. Draco was handsome and well spoken, but there was no one more comforting to be with than his old Snapper to his Harrilligan.

As Harry bent down to wipe the savage cabbage from Snape's mutton choppy liver spotted eyebrows, He felt a tiny a-kick. A-kcik kick. Ooh! Snapper heard it like the beating of wardrums WHO R U HIDING IN THAR1 "haRRY fainted". And all was black. Except for that dark corner. It was darker than black. Blacker than sirius black. I mean, loolll...serious black. A tiny black blof.

It was a dream, Harry was for certain. A soft pink roll of doughy flesh was doing calculus for him. "This...this is my child. My fuuutuuure. My legaccyy." He understood. The time was nigh for pickles and ice creams. And body creams. He hopped Ole' Red Snapper Sushi was ready for a baybeh change. The world...his world...was purple.

Snape woke up. Harry R U PRGANCY"? Harry bowed a head in shame.

That is not good. No good at all. But some kind of wonderfullll.

"Snape."Snape said. "Snape will carry ur bayby." He shook his head quickly. "I mean OUR GAYBY (or whutevr u goshdrned kids call 'em these days)" Harry looked mystified. And scared. And enchanted. And surprised. And hurt. And surprised. And worried. And scared. And turned on.

"but HOW?" He whispered.

Dumbledore said "Magicke"

"WOOOOAAAA" Herry whimpered, while rubbing and squeezing his hard tender creamy nipples.

Dumbledore said "yes." And climbed out the window like Romeo pretending he'd never boned Juliet. And then he died or something maybe. (ORD DID HE?)

"alaboomacronomicon...halle berry booooom, krrrrr...krrrr.." Snape waved his hands like a waftin conessieur. The ghost of baby past flaoted from womb to womb (hhhaaaaaaaahhhh!) until it landede in the gravy hole that was Snapes...uhh...cav...ity. THE WAIT OF BABY HAS BEEN LIFTED! Said Harold, as he ate the customary bread. Ron giggled in the corner, and flicked his colored asian girl braids back.

"Now I will bear your burrrdedn, my young nubile flesh deposite." Harry was already gone, out to a rave to do some drugs and dance with strangers. And glowsticks. And probs get pregnant again, the fukkin WHORE PATTY NELSON! Snap e was sad. He had the baby blues. And a rumble bumble in the tumble sent him careening to the dresser. And then he rubbed his hidden butter lube (frum the dresser, remember? ; p ahaha..ur so bad!) all over his rock hard abby baby belleh.

Harry came home late that night. It was dark. There was an arguement on the stairs. Harry was coming down and then he slipped! Oh god, he slipped! He rolled, Snape cried! "HARRY! OUR BABY!" Snape ran to the bottom of the stairs where Harry's crumpled body lie. He gingerly picked out the party confetti from his falling out hair, and smeared off some of the party glitter from his young curvy bosom. "No...No..I...I love you! Please god, Oh no! AW Jeez!" He rocked back and forth and cried while the snot ran down onto harrys eyes. "Herm?" Harrys eyes flickered with salty mucous. Reggy Jackson and Hermione Jones came with a stretcher. Draco said, "dont". A single tear. Some litter. Reg dropped the stretcher and ran away to get more flavors of ranch dressing. "NO RON! THUT IS NOT WUT U DOOO!" came the whistle from under Hermiones bushy mustache. I swear, it was still blowing like 5 minutes after her deep alto stopped tooting.

"We will never fight agin." Snape said. Harry nodded weakly and touched Snapes belly. "Is it all right? It wasnt hurt in the fall, was it?" "No..NO I tdont think so...but we wont know for sure until its born...in two weeks." :B Harry smiled exuberently and nodded weakly.

Draco grunted. Hermione blew her nose and got snot stuck in her mustache. Ron roared and flew away in terror or people. Snape finally said, after kissing and caressing and rubbing against Harry's hand for a few minutes, "we have to get you to the hospital wing. They need to make sure the babhs okay." Snape kicked him into the stretcher, and Harry grunted. Malfoy's face saddeneds for the poor baby-ridden professor and his classmate who he had hated (until recently maybe) (not tellin luloll). Hermione tickled Harry's foot with her lengthy mustache as she and Draco hoisted him up and took him to the hospital.

Harry went into labor. "FUKKK! FUKKING SHIT THIS HURRRTTTSSS! GIVE ME THE EPIDURAL!" "No, its too late for the EPIDURAL!" "NO! GIVE IT TO MEH!" Madame pomfy slapped Snape. "Goddammit, this is like the 7th time this has happened! Stop knocking up students and wallpapers!" he let out an extended "UNNNNGGGHHHHH! unf unf unf!" A HEALTHY wooden baby was born. "Scuze me, comin fruu!" The scary thing beamed! He looked at Snape "Pa... pa?" "THAT IS NO SON OF MINE! I HAVE NO SON!" SnAPE YELLED! Madame Pomfy weeped. "It is still born. I feel no pulse." The baby crawled on Harry like a monster. Harry screamed and threw it in the garbage. "I will love it forever." Harry said.

Harry taught the puppet about speaking less like an idiot. He teached his puppet son-child to believe in magick. He taght his puppet master all he knew about the ways of life. A week later, Puppet-son was kidnapped less than a week later. :o Harry didnt search immmediately. He was a free woman now, with no baby hangin off his teat. Snape was horny now because the baby was gone. He was like a male lion, who eats cubs to bone the lion ladies. He roared in sexual ;)~ frustration. Harry blushed and turned away, smiling gently as he spread his legs.

Meanwhile, puppet-son had been taken to PLEASURE ISLAND. FUN FOR BOYS OF ALL AGES (4+). He looked to the sky and whispered to himself. "Please forgive me for being a puppet. Forgive for not being a real boy for you... papa."


	5. The Baby Tale

A/N: Wow! I'm on a roll, aren't I? Chapter five is up! :) I talked to my lit professor recently, and showed him some of my work. He gave me some really great pointers, so I'm thinking this is my best work yet! Just some little punctuation errors I was making that I've cleaned up, you know? Hope you like it!

Chapter 5: The Baby Tale

This is the story of a baby. A baby born of two loving wizard men. But this was no rodinary baby. This baby was WOODEN. This baby was... a puppet...

As he opened his horrifying wooden lifelesss (or rly? Lolo ;)) eyes, it peered into the dark abyss that was his beautiful ugly father the seconds eyes. "papa?"

SNAPE screamed and vomited a tiny bit out of the corner of his mouth. It wasnt intentional. It was a medical condition. "Get out of herr, you firewood! Ansd dont come back until you are REALLY Real fr rl./ The boy child of wood shuddered. "I will make you luv me. I will win it, like a proud son. Ill make a car. And then become kinda realish. Snape chucked a wooden toy car at him "YOU CALL THIS A CAR YOU WOODEN ABOMINATION?" Pinocchio realized then. He woud have to leave with that scary evil man if he ever wanted to become real and make his father father happy. ;_;

He left with the evil man. And then burned down his stage, and his hopes and dreams. No more dreaming of white christmases. No more white picket fences. Only brown, muddy, charocoal fences. Pinnochio laugehyd a mighty deranged laugh. And then he left with a boy donkey he thought was kinda hott. "My father must never knowww." He winked inwardly. "My father hates gays. I think it is ok." the two walked hand in hand, giggling girlishly with each other as they approached the sunset. On their journy they came across a carriage full of other young boys. Pinoccio licked his wooden lips, much like his father had before him. He even checked to make sure they were fully licked. "Boooooooyyyyyssssss" he said excitedly. The ass-man gave his hand a squeeze out of jealousy!

Pinnocio got a mad lok in his dead eyes, and was full of MURDER LUST. He gallumped in the most ungodliest ugliest creepiest manner towards the box of boys. I NEED TO TOUCH! he cried, as he took out a wooden hatchet from his back. THE hboys screamed as he simultaniously mudered and raped them. All. % times. And then he was shot. But it didnt stop there. It went on for like..20 more seconds. He was shot with a shotgun, and the wounds...well they were far too much for our little golden boy to burden. He rolled back and forth, water spurting out of his holes like a crazy daisy in one of the children he murder's yard. He gurgled. It was the last sound he ever made.

Meanwhile, pinnochio was eating a chicken satay (or was it a CHILDREN SATAY?) His ass-friend Lampwisk laughed jovially with him. Pinnocchio chortled as he ate, food spurting out of his mouth, and occassionally oozing from his WOONDS. Lampsisk nocticed. "Woody! We have tio get you to a hostiple! YOU IS HURT!" Pinnoo droppen his chilren satay platter and stared deeply into Lappsitk's eyes. So many EYES. So little space in our little man's belly. Pinochato dryhumped the shit out of Lampstick's hairy dockey leg. "AAAhhh..." "NOBODY CALLS ME LAMPHEAD!" and then the donkey ran offf. Rom was into it. Pinot Gris walked around, looking for other witches and magical beings, unlike himself. He was only wood. Broken wood. Nobody will ever love him. EVAR. Dont you LOVE HIM! Harry was shocked and hurt and embarrassed by his wooden baybeh? Hagrid was hairy and large. Pinot lumbered to a lumberyard to cry. But the saws... THE SAWS! THE SCARRED HIS FOR LIFE LITERALLY! The saws cut him a little. It burnt so bad. So bad it was good. Pinock licked his lips and rolled away, moaning the whole trip.

* * *

Harry and snape were on their hunymoon at the ocean. The way the waves lapped at the beach was sensual, and they stared at it in tingly awe for like...6 days. And 7 weeks. And % knights. AS they skipped down the beach, hand in leg, leg in stomach, and head of hair, in head of not hair, Hary tripped and fell. Snape LET A MIGHTY ROOOOOOAOAARRRR!" My child husband! I love you more than my tiny train collectionsssss!" Harry was fine, except for some light bruisings and a missing leg. Professer Lockheart healed him poorly. His leg had never recovered after his car accident all those years ago. He could never play Quidditch again. Or violin. Or Parcheezi. Harry looked arounf "WHAT THE FUKKING FUK DID I TRIP ON SOME GODDAMN HOBO OR oh!" Harry drew his eyes to some boy-shaped driftwood. Snape lifted it gingerly in his arms. "This will make good firewood." he said softly. The boywood played dead for a little while, sneaking glances at his father father faaatherrrr and wondering how he hated him so. Was it the bloodlust? He could probably stop...maybe. In time. We'll be dancing in the streets all night. All night. Snape sniffed the driftwood. It smelled of pine... sol... in a poopy bathroom. Snape hurled the puppet wood at his Harry-pie. "THIS IS NOT MY SOOOOOONNNN!"

Harry caught his baby boy in his delicate lady hands. "Is it... could it really be? Penokioh?" The young bashful murder puppet slowly opened his eyes. Yes MA-MA. I havea beena througha soa muuucha." Harold swiped away a salty purple tear. "I did it...all of it...for yooooou. Ansd paapaaa." Snape crabwalked over. "oh little ponyo, I did indeed love you so, its just...that...i have the black lung, and It is hard for me not to want to rape puppets and occasionally a bread basket, if it is warm." "Father, dont." the puppet trembled. " I must. It is for your own good. I want to to grow up to be a strong oprah." Liquid stuff fell ffrom his eyes sockets. It was like gravel. But it was meantt o be good, and sincere. Snapper clutched his wooden dead baby son to his pounding tiger heart. LIGHT!

FRUM EVRTWHAR!

Snape released the puppet he could finally call his own. It flew into the air, and around some, like ahummingbird. Pausing to take sips of sugar water and doodrops/nekterr. Finally, he lowered to the ground. As the light faded, Snap and little Harry could see. HE WAS REALY! Wee Pinocchio stood on his human feet, and hugged himself. When he looked at his hands, they were covered in blood. "I'm! I'm reeeeal!" He fell to the sandy shore, the holes in his abdomen bleeding profusly. The Donkey kicks from when ol' Lasswesk kicked him in the stomach and balls for the rape. Harry began to cry. "MY CHILD! MY ONLY CHILD!"

pINOCHooo shuddered as he lay on the sand, tall sharp grasses cutting his soft fleshy skin. "ow...it feels gud." He laughed like a horrible high pitched banshy dying in the woods while screaming foxes watched and partied. And then he was dead. Snape screamed like a little girl, and ran over to his newly loved son. "No! NO! ILL SAVE YOU!" he began to furiously rape the dead boy. He pulled out and cried, his weenie full of slivers. AND THEn ...Nothing.

Nothing.

Noooothing.

Harry and Snape rode on the most biggest and fastest rollercoaster, and then they ate some crepes. It was a fun weekend.


	6. Snape's Best Birfday and rape

A/N: Man, guys. I was swamped in school, and now I have my wedding to worry about. Sorry I've been so busy! But I can't forget my many fans. Gotta get this done, you know? Hope you love it, as always. ;)~

CHAPTER ?: Snapes first birthday party. Also rape.

It was a very soecisal day for a very special young boy. It was young Snaps 20th birthday, and it was sure to be a doozy! He invited all his friends,..Fitzgerald the janitorial services, Dunkle the elaborate mailman who occasionally gave him old pumpkin bread out of pity, and Trink, the boy (or girl? I cant tell. I wont tell. Lolullll! ;( you behavenow! ;))) who lived downstairs in the attack. It was sure to be funn! He woke up early with a nice slump in his step, and a keen look in his dirty eye. (it was just his 3rd eye, k? No worries!) zHis mom came upstairs to yell GETY YER FAT SUNOVABITCH ASS DOWN HERE YOU WORTH LESS PIECE OF SHIT! I made you a cake! :)

Snapee luked at the cake. It was all right, is spose. It was creamed with frito filling, a real delacacy,. Th e re were some sort of pickled cherries on the top, fresh he oculd tell, by there brown mushy demeanor. This isweut I want! ;)~ In the first half hour of his day, it was the best day ever.

His mother slapped him. He noted it was more gentle than the usual slap. He cried. TEARS OF JOYYY? "i invited your relitivesd, young Sesveroos. It is time you were an adult and enjoyed family time." Snapes face fell. He picked it up.

"But mummy dearest! We haven't enough cake and ice creamed potatoes for everyone! There is but only enough for my closest of friends! (and Lily! If she comes!)" ((She isn't coming.)) Snape's mother hit him in his very special place saved only for _the one_. "whyyyyyy"

"BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT YOU SNIVELLING PIECE OF FLAMING DIARRHEA POO! YOU ARE A DISAPPOINTMENT TO US ALL!" She stormed away, Snape watched her longingly.

Snape decided to go for a walk. The weather said it would be lovely that day but it rained on him once he came to the end of his street. It began to hail on his dripping, greasy hair. Srsly, you guys it was like he washed his hair with fried chicken. Soon, he came to a playground, one that he remembered fondly. It was the one Lily and he often met at when they were younglings. He sat on the swing, which was full of rain water and ice now. He rocked himself slowly back and forth, thinking of all the nasty things he wanted to do with that orange haired gal. He wanted to freak on her. Superfreak. He swang in tune to the Rick James ballad. Soon he was frozen to the swing. He died that day, frozen in the cold. A sad, ugly statue, on the playground, where kids came to play. They would often scribble on his face, drawing inventive mustaches, and young supple sandwhiches.

Finally the day came when lilith evins came to the death place. She came and stod in front of the statue boy. She looked into his cold, dead eyes, and whispered in his greasy-residued ear, "i haaaaate you. Birthdays are ok, but I dotn like yours. Any of them." and then James came to stand beside her, whilst chewing gum.

"ya shur c'mon babe. Let's blow this place and OHMIGAWD ISTHAT SSSNIVELLOOS?" Lilly nodded grimly.

"Yes my darling dearest man, that is my past flame Serverners." James turned to her, looking serious, and then he leaned in for a smooch. Lily obliged.

James grabbed her boob, and he roughly sneaked his tongue into her mouth. "Oh James!" Lily cried, as she rubbed his special place that was saved for _the one_, "I love feeling you ALL OVER ME." His partly beardy face scraped romantically against her neck,

"yah shur babe." He punched her, and threw her onto Snapes frozen body. They used Snape as a sex chair ON HIS BIRTHDAY.

Snape struggled against his frozen skin. "nooooooooooooo" he inwardly cried "this is the best birthday everrrrrr lily is naked on meeeee" A single tear rolled down his cheeck, and froze to his pointy greasy chin, along with other varies frozen sweat/grease nodules on his face. After they had lots of hawte steamy sex (lily got preggars and had an abortion later, the fat freckled slutt) snape waked up, and he wondered if james manly sperm had impregnated him too. Oh well! A marvelous birthday surprise! And he galloped back home to meet his friends, Fitzgerald the janitorial services, Dunkle, the elaborate mailman, and Trink, the boy from round the corner. When he got there, he was met with a ham fist in his face. WHAR HAVE YOU BEEN! YOUVE BEEN GONE 30 YEARS! and indeed, his mother had grown a long beard bynow, and had decided to have a sex change. She now went by Dumbledore. And she also could do magick. "mother could you tell me the year?" he shook and shivered as he examined his now large akward hands, and he noted he had a pubic hair. Or maybe it was dark lint. "YOUR FRIENDS ARE ALL DEAD!" "WHAT! BUTANOOO!" his hand fell off from being too large. "EVEN DUNKLE!" "especially Dunkle, she said in a soft whisper." she motioned to a large pile of very old moldy pumpkin bread.

Snape fell to his knees and threw his hand stumps to the air in FURY, "" he said. A drop of grease rolled out of his eyeball and rolled down his cheek in sandness. "I loved him best."

Dumblymom put a hand on his shoulder, comfortingly. He/she knelt down at his side. "It was all Harry Pooter's fault." he said kindly.

Snape's eyes filled with murder. "This was supposed to be... my best birthdaaayyy_yyyyy_"

Snape ran outside. It began to rain as he reached the corner, and then it hailed on his uggo face. A magick spell grabbed him, much like the large hand he lost in the battle of puberty and diabetes. He was summoned backed to the house, where a very old frito cake awaited. He cried as he ate. He ate and ate, it was depression eating, because the depression was eating him up inside. He wanted revenge, and maybe to spike his insulin a little to remember the foot he had lost.

WAIT. HIS MOTHER CRIED. I want you to visit with you relatives. There is unkle beedy. And aunty gooseneck pudding. And...(snapes body twisted with terror) AUNT HARRIET. "come sit on my lap, young middleaged nephew. I am so good to you. I want to be so good to you." ;)~ he waited without hesitation. Aunt harriet held his twisty oily body down on her lap. "oooh...ooooh...oh yeah...oh yeaaahh..." she started rubbing her own very saggy pancaked nipples. "oh god...oh snpe..." Snape cried silently. "not again..." Uncle Harry turned him on his back side and dragged him by his oily hair up the stairs. "WELL BE RIGHT BACK." she grunted. "IM GUNNA GIVE HIM MY PRESENT!"

Snape tried to grab the banister, but it broke. Then he tried to grab the doorframe but it broke, Then he tried to grab the dresser, but it broke. WHY WAS HIS HOUSE SO SHITTY? Aunt Harry finally dragged him over to the bed. "Young Srvrs, it is time you learned how to please a woman. Not as a boy, but as a _man._" She was huge, compared to his still young and scrawny frame. A large woman, just as greasy as he, with eyes twice as beady.

"Uncle/aunt Harry, PLEASE! NO!" She snaked her hand up his thigh and beganm to rub him. His body betrayed him, and he began to enjoy it. But he hated him. This happened every birthday, but she seemed to have something different in mind this year. But he wasn't sure what.

She got rid of her shirt, and her extra support granny bra. If possible, her breasts drooped even lower than before. Down to the floor. Balls to the wall. Snarp groaned. He never hated boobies so much in his life. She tried to lift one up, up towards his mouth. He began frantically scratching...SCRATCHING to get away! But she forced his face to her nipple. "suck on it nice now, little one." Snape felt like he was suffocating. It was a relief when she finally pulled away, but that calm was replaced with more terror. Her sack like body moved lower, until her wrinkled, lipstick covered mouth was level with his special place that he just wanted to save for _the one_. He struggles fruitlessly to push her away, but his stick like arms were no match for the obese woman. She yanked his pants down, and engulfed the manliest part of his body with her large, wet mouth. Her spit felt thick on him, somehow. Almost more like mucus. He felt like it could never wash off. But she kept at it, trying to get the response from him that she wanted. He tried to pull himself away, but she had planted her large hands on his naked butt. When he jerked backwards, one of her fingers eased in. When he jerked forward, his peener ended up further in her disgusting mouth. He didn't want to let her have this victory, but he was slowly giving in. She had started working faster- and faster still! He tensed his body and tried to think of other things, but before he could put more that a minute's effort toward this, he felt a release. He let out an extended "uuuunnnnnnggggggg unf unf unf". He gasped for air, from both physical exhaustion, and being smothered by his huge aunt. As she pulled away, and wiped her mouth, with a fat, pleased, expression on his face. Uncle Harry grunted. "That sure was a fingerlickin good ride fried chicken!" She put on her cowboy hat, adjusted her sam elliot mustache, and smacked him a good one on the beh-hine before staggering from the room, like a mudmonster pretending its not made of horrible clumps of mud, but rather clean downy feathers.

Snape layed in a fetal position for twnety days. It was only when the ghost of Dunkle came into his room with a piece of moldy deceased pumpkin bread that Snap moved. Dunkle. Dunkle my good friend. I have been thr"ough many horrible things. Please. Help me. Take me away from this awful place!" You are taking things for granted. Like my friendship, Dunkle murdered. Anyhow, I have a place for you. A wizarding place. It is full of magicks galore." "For real and for true?" snape aghasted! Dunkle did an ungodly dance, in which he kind of flopped his body parts around like a leoperd, and then he snapped his fingers.

Snaped was magickally transported to a dirty castle. "Dunkle?" Snape called. Dunkle soon appeared next to him. "What is this place?"

Dunkle put a hand on his shoulder. "Snape, this place is anything you want it to be."

"Well I... I always wanteds to teach children... Maybe I will make this place a school." Snape said confidantly. "Then it is so!" Dunkle did the awful dance again, and Snarp had to look away this time.

THE SCHOOL OF HOGWUTS SCHOOL OF WHICHCRAFT AND WIZERDRY WUZ BORN!

somehoe, probably by science and not magick, people filled the halls. Snaps own mother was headmaster, (I DIDNT WANT THAT, GAWD! DX ) AND then there was studnt. S,. snapper wanted to teach them all! 83 "Dunkle...Dunkle, this is magnificent!" he said with tears in his eyes! Snarp turned around to thank him, but lo! DUNKLE WAS GONE. Forever. He died again.

Snape fell to his knees and threw his hand stumps to the air in FURY, "" he said. A drop of grease rolled out of his eyeball and rolled down his cheek in sadness. "I loved him best."

Despite having invented the school, Snape was forced to do a shit job that he hated. He was never any good at brewing potions. He mostly just made things up during lectures. Then one day, a dashing young boy named Harry graced the halls with his presence...

"And that..." said Snape, "is how I met you, my little dove..." Harry gazed fondly at his older companion. "And that...is all my great FORTUNE!" "Mine...as well! ;)~" Snapper said, as he flipped the young man over onto his belly. They made passionate love, until Sanpe remembered his Uncle Harry. THEN IT BECAME FEROCIOUS. But y'know, harry is kind of into that rough stuff, more than you would imagine, so I mean, like...its cool. I think our little tugger enjoyed it.

AND THEY LIVED...OKLY EVER AFTER. 3 3 3 duhhh...DUUUUN!


	7. The Raape

A/N: Oh man, so many reviews now! It's been really great to get so many words of encouragement. Without you guys, I would be dead. No. Really. :) I would have killed myself a year ago.

Chapter 7 maybe?: The Rape

I am but a lonely young boy. I am. Servernoos.

I begin my day on a 500 thread count silk bedspread. The silk is imported from Mongolia. They raise the finest silk worms from hatchlings, and they live longer than any other species. The silk is to make sure I dont get any clogged pores.

But the grease. It has other ideas. There is so much oil being pumped out of my skin on a secondly basis, that I am already halfway on the floor when I wake up.

I go to the bathroom. I brush my teeth for two hours, and I drink a bottle of bleach a day. My teeth are still rotten and brown, and occasionally when I get excited, a thick poopy goo squeezes out between my large teeth gaps.

The same goo oozes from my eyes occasionally. I sometimes wonder what it means. If there's something wrong with me if... I am dying. :(

My younmg loverr sits upon the dry part of my bed. My little Harold. He does his homework on the $2000 laptop I bought him. Is he only with me for my money? I will never know, because I will never stop trying to buy his love. Just in case. I bend over him and kiss him atop his boyish head. Some brown poo goo rolled down his forehead from that spot. He wipes it off and smiles at me. I don;'t know if he likes the brown poo goo, or me.

He seems to be working on his potions homework. I'm so tempted to make a correction for him, to help him to ace my class, but that would be unteacherly. I look to the side and smirk, embarrassed by my thoughts, which were unteacherly. I shake the unteacherly thoughts from my head and turn around, walking back into the bathroom. The brown poo goo coveres my face. I felt it so often that I didn't even notice it happen. I wonder how often I look this way in class, as though my face is coated in tobacco juice. I blush, and clean it away with my proactive set, hoping it will help.

It never helps. When I think I am clean...when I think I am safe...safe from ridicule from my peers and underlings...i look back into the mirror, and the process is starting over again. Brown around my brown eyes...like a malnutritioned panda bear. I grimace, and notice th =e brown around my mouth. I look like an ugly mange_diseased stray dog, ccaught eating melted diarhhea in the back alley of a hole in the wall hispanic restaurant, smiling sheepishly, trying to look cute to see if im going to be fed real scraps, only to have my hopes and dreams and ragged body pulled out from under me, and then sorely beaten with a shoddy, but more painful broom.

I have tried everything to fix myself. Exercising, wizard doctors, dietary changes, stopping my unteacherly activities, (aside from being with my little Harryt, of course ;)~), doing more unteacherly things... nothing worked. I felt as though I'd bettered myself, but I was oozing more than ever. I felt healthy though. I couldn't understand. :( I walked out of the bathroom andf gave a coy little wave to Hairy-poo. He looked up and smiled at me, brown good oozing from his mouth. I looked concerned, but he calmed me. "Don't worry, proffessore. I've been storing yours." I breathed a sigh of relief. He did not have whatever it was I was suffering from. Thank goodness. I wiped my forehead, and saw a tobacco smear on the back of my hand. I returned to the bathroom and looked into the mirror, only to see the same diarrhea stained visage as I had only minutes ago. My brow saddened under the filth.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. I grabbed a bottle of comet, dumped it on my head, and began scrubbing. Scrubbing...SCRUBBING. By the time I was done, I looked like a pink slimy lobster, freashly shelled and still alive. The brown has stopped for now. I am content.

I go back out into the room, little Harley appears to be dozing. I hope to god the brown stuff hasnt suffocated him. I forgot to mention that after awhile the brown stuff, liquid as a river when running, changes, much like a pond when it is stagnant. Once a very important part of life, now a petree dish of bacterea. It gums. There, I said it. The brown stuff gums; becomes like horribel tackyglue and can suffocate a person if it is on the face too long. I walk brisquly into the room and roll harvey over. It has gummed. I go back into the bathroom and grab Windex, a horsepick and spatula. I am ready for the task at hand.

I sprayed the Windex heavily all over his face. It made a splurting sound. It reminded me of sexy times. The goo has loosened considerably, and I began scraping what I could off with the spatulala. It was like trying to scrape barely melted chocolate off of something with only fingertips. It only smeared. I spat on his face and scrubbed harder. His skin began to show through. I took the horsepick and scraped at his nostrils, HARRY BREATHED!1!11! I continued to scrape at his face, delicately scraping away the goo on his eyelids. My hand slipped. Harry's eyeball was stabbed. 8O I quickly healed it before remembering I had a spell to get rid of the gummy stuff. "GOO GONE!" I cried. The goop was sucked off of Harry's face into my eye. Harry looked so glad, even though his eye was still red.

"You saved me." Harry cried excitedly. I hugged him tightly, and cried a single tear, which healed a,ll traced of sadness. Although I now had one helluva headache from all the brown goo becaing sucked back in. I mean, shit. I already produce that stuff by the gallon load. It was like the worst sinus infection times eight thousand and twenty.

.

"Of course I saved you. You are my One. Muy Only. Harlequin Bead Store in the area. I will be right back." I swept back intot he bathroom for the 43rd time that evening. There were prices to be paid for saving my loved one. I must now...milk the brown eye goo from my skull. I gingerly step into the showwer. It is already slick from this mornings milking. I put on my cap, so as not to turn my greasy black hair brown. I also put nipple caps on. I do not want them to look like chocolate chips. Now I turn the water on. I turn it on boiling, so I dont get infected.

I begin rubbing my nether regions. At first, it feels like nothing. It's boring. But then, I feel something stirring within me. My weiner schnitzel hardens in my hand, and my pace quickens. I can feel my thick brown goo sweat oozing from my pores as I grunt like and excited gorilla. If only I wasn't so embarrassed. If only I was confortable enough to have Harvey shower with me and do this for me. I think about him. His soft lips, his baby hands, his bushy hairs, his mom eyes. SooOoOooOoOo HAWT. I speed up, breathign raggedly, as though I just ran a marathon I had not trained for. I struggled with my breathing. It... IT HURT! I came buckets of brown goop. It went all over my shower. The water was hot enough to wash most of it away. I cleaned the crevices on my body with a reusable toothpick. After I had I cried and washed my shame away, I clambered out of the shower, wrapping a crusty towel around my waist.

I was ready for llove now. I squeezed a jar of baby oil (my baby oil...my parents thought itd be funny to collect it and sell it to other, more caring parents.) and rubbed it all over my body . It was a stupid idea. Because not a second after I turn the shower off, I am once again greasier than a monkey. However, it makes me feel beautiful. I open the door. Hairy sees me. I try to wink, but I slip instead. I fall on my face. Sometimes, I think it is best not to get up. Im not sure this time. I am embarasseded. But still horny. I lay on the floor, thinking about it for many days. By the time I get up, Hairy is emaciated. He was starving to the death. I feel bad, and so I slither up the bed towards him. I rub his nipples to revivbe him. They look like large russet tomatoes. I like it. Harry's eyes flutter open, and he looks at me longingly. I feed him a cold potatop and a NurtiSystem, he eats it viciously. My bangs are tickling my nose. I try to swish them out of my face, but the grease has plastered them to my forehead.


	8. Changes for Hary

A/N: I shit you not, I'm writing this WHILE WATCHING HP8. Crazy, huh? Some lady behind me seems pretty pissed off but she can go die. I had bidness to attend to.

Chapter 8: Changes for Hary

Harry laid in bed. Crying as usual. Something was happening to him. Ever since he started his periood, he'd gotten so moody and depressed at that special once-a-month time. He was as moody as Mad-Eye-Moody, it was for sure. Roonil was having trouble dealing with it. Harry kept going between sexing at him and frowning like he was a dog poop. What was he to believe? Tonight was no different. From his bed, Harry shouted "ROM! GET AWAY FROM ME AFTER A BLOWJOB, MAYBE!" Ron obliged.

Then one fateful night, Harrrry discovered something that would haunt him for the rest the night. When he was doing his nightly hand fun time, he felt something...unsmooth. It was kinky. Curly, if you will. When he jumped up to flip the light switch on, h e looked down, ans saaaaawww...

A PUBE. A PUUUBE. Not just any pube. A red pube. He was a dreaded firecrotch. Uughhghgh ooh nooooo! the thing that grossed harry out most about his life long lover sometimes, it was his nasty tuft of firetruck red african wildgrass. He wanted to put it out. Forever. He ran to the cabinet. He took out the tweezers. His tiny sweaty hands shook as he lowered the appliance to his just blossoming manhood. He closed the cold steel on his arch nemesis. And...OH SHIT FUCK! OH SWEET JESUS IT HUUUUURTS! Harry began to splust blood. Why... why was this happening to him? all he wanted was to remain in boyhood forever! He tried to stifle the flow, but it wasn't working. In his six years of school, he had faced many a demon and foe. But his biggest foe of all was just starting to show his true colors. And that color was NEW BRICK REEEDDD! DAMN! he panted as he looked down at his gushing wound. "WOUND HEEEAL!" he squealed in a whiny, fluctuating voice. He sighed when he looked down and it was safe. Then he went back to bed to continue his duty. Reg was watching greedily from his pillow and sheet fort.

"herry."

"Henri."

he nodded courtly. Dumbledore tweedled his long scaly fingers.

"I saw, harry. I saw everything."

"You better not fukking tell" red saaid, his hair flowing gracefully in the wind. Doombledworf frowned, and stared at him for a long time.

"..."

"..."

"I WILL TELL THEM ALL!" He dashed out of the boys dormitory and out into the hallways. Harry didn't bother persuing him. After all, who would they believe? A crusty old fish man, or HARRY FUKKING POTTER.

The answer was clear. He reclined back into his bed peacefully, and drifted off to sleep.

LATER

Harry awoke slowly. His Snapper was staring at him, inches from his face. Harry liked it. ;)~ But wait. Snape looked ENRAGED. "WHAT IS THIS." he roared. Harry looked at what he was holding. A single, bloody curly red hair.

"IT WAS ROM'S."

"DO NOT LIIIIIEEEEEEE." as Snape yelled this, he licked Harry's cheek.

Herry trembled. Sanpe had ways that could tell anything. An instance of this came soon. Spane donkeepunched henry right in the 26th rib, leaving his secrets vulnerable for the reading. In Henrys diary, he saw the whole awful prcess of the ripping of the Crimson Curl. He SCREEEEAAAMMEDDD! "This cannot be, my little nutfoot!" snape started bawling into his floppy moob. "I want you...Nay! I NEED you to be young and viral forever! without your supple youth, I cannot bear to look upon you!" his shaky bony purple knuckled hand reached out to touch his face. He felt...STUBBLE! OOH GAWWD, NAAWWW!"

"What, my love? What is wrong? Why wont you look at me? LOOK AT MEE!" Harry cried. He tried deperately to grab Snape and pull him towards himself, but snap recoiled, and wrapping himself up in his cloak, shook with harsh throbbing sobs. "Love! My love!" Harry tried desperately to get his attention, by playing with coloring books, and pretending policeman. When the older gentleman wouldnt look at him, he started loudly puking for attention. Snape grimaced. He no longer found Harry puking to be cute. It was RELULSIVE now that he had a wee mustache. Ew... eeeewwwww...

Snape turned to leave. He snagged Dennis Creevy by the collar and dragged him away with him.

Harry fell to his knees. "NOOOOOOOOO!" And he wept... wept...

Harry cried in bed for three days and three nights. On the final night, he had a little diarrhea. He decided it was time to face life head-on like the boy hero he was! He pulled Ron into bed with him. "Hey, long time no see, babbay?" Ron blushed.

An hour later, Harry was crying in bed alone again, Ron was on the floor, rejected. After three more days and nights, and a little diarrhea, Harry finally rose from his bed. He cleaned himself and his bedding, and marched to Snape's office to WIN. HIM. BACK. He opened the door, hesistant. Scared of what he might discover. He looked around, and saw no one. "Proffessor?" He called out in a whisper. Snape spun around in his chair, little Dennis on his knee.

"Hello, Potter." Snape said coldy.

Harrys lip trembled and he choked back a sob. No! He must be strong! He flipped his robe back passionately, revealing his bare chest.

Snape faltered, definitely showing interest. He shoved Dennis, and walked up to his former lover. He placed his nasty hands on the pearly skin. As he bent his furrow to kiss the older boy, he spotted...A CHEST HAIR! BWAAUGHUGH! He lifted his hams and smacked harry cross the face! "YOU tricked meee!" he spat fluids. Brown ones.

Harry winced as brown droplets hit his delicate, but increasingly furry skin. Snape turned, swishing his robe with his body. Dennis played yo-yo in the corner, in his leather underwear. The silence was palpabllle, Harry ripped out the hair and began to spurt blood. "I will wax for you forever, if you asked me."

Snaoe screamed with all the fury of an angry african animal. Probably a lion. A really weak ugly mangy one. It came out more like a gurgling whipsy doodle. Harry stood there and cried for a mintue, before stomping his feet in unison with the blood spurt. Snape finally whispers, "Go." harry was embarassing himself and others. Down trodden, herry leaves. Sanpe slammes the door and falls on it, crying heavily.

On his way back to the dorm, he ran into that Draco Malfoy boy man. What a dick face. Harry wanted revenge. On ANYONE. He touched Draco's special place (that he wanted to save for _the one_!)

"dont" Draco said. Harry backed him against a wall. If he couldn't have pedo sex, he would have horny teenage boy sex instead. He didn't like it, but it seemed to be what he was graduating to. Draco breathed hard and rapidly, a paniced breathing. "dont" he said. His eye bulged. Harry grabbed his wrist, and Draco began to try to bite off his own arm to excape. Harry was Coyote Ugly. Harry grinded againt his leg, and draconian flapped like a dead feesh. Now that harold was becoming a man, the other young boys wouldnt let him play any young boy games. Thatll teach you to grow up, harry. Thatll teach ya. Harry turned to leave, sobs as thick as snot running down his face. "...dont." draco breathed. Harry spun around in amazing. Draco tried to smile, but it was futile. Instead, he took the young porter to his dungeon bedchambers of secrets.

Harry awoke in a passionate embrace the following morning. Draco was watching him fondly. Harry smiled lightly. "Were you watching me sleep?" He asked playfully. Draco blushed and looked away. This was the first time Harry felt right with life. Not like he was but a boy child being used for entertainment. He had loved Snape. He didn't love Draco, but he could see that Draco loved him more than Snape ever would. He snuggled up to his marbley chest. He gripped Draco's butt. Hard. Draco said "dont" But harry kept on truckin. Now it was Draco who was being used in this cruel game called love.

Why do we always hurt the ones we loooove?


	9. Lone Star Cowboy ISO Hot MackDaddy

A/N: Wow, Guys. I'm seriously on a roll with this. Thanks for all the reviews about the last chapter. Some of them were so compelling and informative. I'd love it if you keep writing them. They're quite encouraging.

Chapter 9: Lone Star Cowboy ISO Hot Mack-Daddy Grease Bomb

Harry furiously wrote his proclamation on a piece of parchment in large formal writing. Once he was done, he looked it over. He was satisfied. He charged out of the common room, to the school bulliten board. He tore off a sign about a lost cellular phone and David Bowie poster and pinned up his sign. He left it, eagerly awaiting a response.

**LONE STAR COWBOY ISO HOT MAC-DADDY GREASE BOMB**

Young, flexible and goodish looking male lookin 4 a mature, elderly gentleman who is wanting to have intimacies. I like short walks on the beach, readin magazines, shootin guns, and building model airplanes. I am good with a rope. You be too.

Harold smiled gingerly, pleased with his work. He walked away, chest puffed out.

"dont"

Herimiah knew that dont. He turned. Draco crept out of the shadows. Harry silently wondered if he would be as wonderful as his old Snappy gentleman one day in a few several decades. "Draco what is it I have things to do."

Draco looked at the floor. Snape suddenly appeared behind him, touching his butt. Draco looked apologetically at Harry.

"I see." said Herry.

"My creamy Harold, it does not have to be this way." oozed Snap. "I only want u 2 cum bak 2 m3, n if u do,,,i will let this 1 go." he shakily rubbed his brittle, then-breaking chop_sticky fingers up and down Draconian's shoulders and upper arms. The blonde one shuddered and a "dont." burst forth from his succulent lips, strawberry color and unnnn...harry just wanted to bit and suck on that lower one, just a little, aww shitt, that old mans touching my boy buddy and daaymn,,,i wanna get in on that. Harry trembled with horny anticipation. HE caught himself rubbing...himself.

Snapes ucky hands were on the nazi blonde one, but his eyes...they were only for the one who was currently masturbating erotically and sensually and sexily in front of him.

Harry had much chest hair now, and a pubestache. But Snape... he missed their time togever. Harry rubbed some coconut butter across his belly, At this sight, Snape cried one tear. A brown sticky tear that left a slime trail down his face, like a baby slug. He sniffled and massaged draconio's back with his erection. Darco said "dont".

Harry continued to rub. Finally, he could contain himself no longer. He rushed the two of them like a furiuous ogre. He slammed into Draco and humped his leg, while also reaching around and rubbing the small of Snape's back in small circles. "Oh! Oh! Ohohohoh! OH!" sanpe was so excited, his hips started to do the rumba. He could not reach harry, so he viciously raped the air while picturing the young mans face, only 5 years younger. Dorco was all about getting away from the old slimy snake and wrapped in the arms of his beautiful rambunctious raven haired hero. Hery was so slippery from all the butter he just slipped around under the dracula a bunch and imagined being punched. It was super erotic. They did that for half a week, so im told. And told from a very realiable source, so im sure its true. (the ghost of dunkle the janitorial services was now haunting another ghost, Peener, and saw his old friend Severloos getting freaky with his air. Offended, dunkle did not offer pumpkin bread, but instead stood there and watched the whole thing. Hes kind of a weird dude, that Dunkle. But I like him. I just dont like him in my house or near my children.)

Finaly, Saturdy (lulolol geddit?) arrived, and they all came 27 litres apiece. Doombledorrr saw it all, and cried with Dunkle. And then he died. When Harikiri, Drago and Snappy finally swum out, Harry and Snape embraced, holding each other, hoping they would eventually become one person. They almost did.

Draco ran "dont" he begged "dont". He cried crystal tears. The bloop blooped out of his eyes. He collected them into a necklace, pocketed it, and returned to his lake lair.

Snape pulled away from Harry like a bandaid. "Oh, my little tea pot... I will never leave you for your manhood again. I will grow with you!" Snape made sloppy kissy faces at him.

Haery noticed new wrinkles on his Snapper.

He liked it. ;)~

"Yesss my honey pot." said harry, "Let me at your pooper. It is time I tried out my peener on another man." He began to speak parselmouth and lick his Snapie. "SSSSSASAAAARRACCHHhh ANNNNNNNNN BOOOO BOBOBOBOBO!"


	10. Baby Scare House of Nightmares

A/N: Hey guys! Ready for a new chapter? Well hey, a special thanks to FatChixRock2 for the idea for this chapter. I really loved it so I decided to run with it! I think the miracle of childbirth is a beautiful thing, and G-d's greatest gift, so I'm happy to employ it again in here. Enjoy! Reviews please! :)

Chapter 10: Baby Scare House of Nightmares

It was a dark and stormy night. Perfect for sharing spooooky stories... Harry and Snape were having one such spooky story time together. Sometimes stories. Sometimes poetry. Sometimes spooooooky lovemaking.

"And... and thenBilly the one eyed butcher face chopped off his own foot. The children at the campsite laughed... and laughed. Billy would get them back... one day..." Snaperoony finished his story with a flourishing bow. His face hit the floor. Blood mixed with face goop. Harry swept a tear from his doll eye.

"So spooly, my love. And so beautiful." Snape said "YR SO BOOTIFUL" and atacked his young, supple, slightly harrier little Harry with his penis out. Mauling him in his poor young boy face.

Hary cried "NOT WITHOUT PURTECSHON."

Sanpe smoothed his porn star stache curtiously and said with a Englandish flaboyancy, "Mmmm, yes Deary, quite!" and pulled out a small rubber hat. However, his face changed horribly twisted once young but manly Harriet turned off the lights, and he whispered softly into his armpit, "i will nooot tie you down, my wee gopher taut peen. i know you need room to dig your soiled tunnelsssss...hissshiisshsishihisssssss!" he twisted his burt reynolds into a gay pirate stance. rufiooooooooo...

IM ONE HAUTE NAUGHTY TOTTY! HEROLDO SCREAMED AS HE SHOOK HIS RHYTHMICAL TOOSH IN THE AIR!

sNAPE roared like an ostrich and jumpped right in. it was ok, herry had the peanut butter ready in the cupboard.

IT went on 4 )...:D YEARS and then harry rolled over and puked. \8C~~~ no...ANOO! not agin! ralph rolled in the ralph, and then he jumped up to inspect his body n the mirror. first all he saw were bruises and feathers in his chest hair. he thought it looked sexy. So turned on, nnnnn...he tweaked his nipples and begand slowly rubbing down, down through the fethers, down through the vomit, down...onto his enormously protruding stomach!

Hansome Harold bit his thin fish lip and rupped his butter belly slowly. "How could you?" He whispered the words so quietly that Shanpe could barely heer him.

"Wut" said snape "wut did u say?"

"I SAID HOW COULDYOOOOOUUUU?" Harry was full of tiger fury. His supposed man lover had BETRAYED his TRUST. TRUST IS VERY IMPORTANT IN A RELATIONSHIP. WHY DID BRAD BETRAY MY TRUST THAT BASTARNT. I TOLD HIM I LOVED HIM AND GAVE MY VERGINITY TO HIM AND HE BETRAYED ME FOR THAT BITCH PATTY NELSON.

ButSnape was no Brad. He is much manlier than Brad and is willing to FESS UP WHEN HE WAS WRONG TO LEAVE ME. He pet poor Harries belly. "My little Harold. I know I pregnancies you before, but I just so missed the moody you."

Hary said "WHUT? I DONT CARE. WHAR'S MY ICE CREAM" Snape chuckled sweetly and spoonfed him creasmy goodness. After all. They wanted healthy baby, did they not?

But ten gallons a day of ben and jerrys (creme brulee and NOT CHERRY GARCIA BRAD STIMPLETON, YOU FAT FAG!) was NOT enough! ****im sorry, brad. youre not fat. youre a super basketball star. you have the figure of an ice skater and ! BRADDD! WHY cant you WAKE UP and see that we were MEANT to be together! why am I not good enough for you?/? is it that my butt has that weird angle to it! that my arms are two different sizes! WAT! WAT BRAD! not everyone is perfect liek PATTY fukking NELSON! not everyone can have their fingers different lengths! somewhere im PERFECT, and my spade hands are idolised like a GOOOOOD!****

Snape was running ragged, his flimsy chest heaving, sweat and goo slipping rampant through his pores, close to collapse and running out of money to feed the now Jabba the Hut type beast that was fused with his king-sized mattress and 500 thread count silken sheets. herdy just wouldnt stop eating! he was really out of it too. like he was possessed...but sapen didnt believe in such tales. but sometimes, when there wasnt enough food, snapper would use his needle like fingers to sharply tickle harris's elbow fat and harri would laugh so hard he'd puke up his food and watch it dribble down his front with hunger. Then when he thought snap wasnt looking, hed eat it again and go into this weird thing where he'd hum and vibrate for hours on end.

Snape was beginning to worry about wee Hary. He kept writhing and convulsing and twitching and humming like a creepy air conditioner. You know. Like that Jack Nicholson one in Brave Little Toaster. That one writhed. That's a real thing.

"Hery" said Snape, "Harryyyy" said Snape... "HARY"

"WHAT IS IT YOU HOT BEAUTFIL GREASE MAN"

"wE ARE ALL VERY worried for you. We want the baby to be safe deliveried. I no wut u did last summer?"

Harry put his hands on his head and got teary eyed. "I'm sorry my honeybucket. I kno what I'm doing isn't healthy. I know it hurts you and the babied/ But I can't help it. It smells like booby milk, and reminds me of my mom before you died."

"WHAAATTT?" Snape shouted as he fell to the floor and snarfed at the puke. He sat up and let out a garbled comforted sigh. He knew that sent. The scent of Lilly boob milk. He melted on the floor and becam,e one with harry's throw up. He liked it. ;)~

whilst snape was on the floor, meltin and flopping in the mother milk, harry started looking embarassed. "erm...snappy?" snap looked up in the wrong direction like a high puppy. "my...my water!" just then, it was as if an inflatable pool had burst. one of those 3 feet high ones too, not the stupid 1 footers. snape almost drowned trying to save the milk from diluting. it was time for a trip to the hopsital.

herry opened his eyes to see an elderly man dressed in scrubs. He smiled weakly and whispered, "the baybeeee?" the old man nodded. "yes." he said. after 5 awkward minutes of silence with more than a few week attempts to start staring contests, the old man spoke again. "i am the baby. well, no, not really. but you should know, you have more than one precious tender babe. you have had a litter of no less than a dozen farkel children." harry at first beamed. then wen he saw snape cowering and shaking in the corner, he knew something was amiss. snap usually wasnt like this. he was hard and callous to the little ones.

"unlegal husband!" he cried! whyever are "you doin dat?" sanpe looked up from his mopping. "i must clean myself" he whispered. "i must clean...everythiiiing." he licked his dry cracked lips with a hollowed look in his eyes. and indeed, he looked brittle and whispy, with not a trace of goo on him whatsoever. he had. dried up.

Snape slowly made his way to Harry's hostiple bed. He cluched the bed end and slumped over. "ahry... don't even go in there..."

"Harry's eyes filled with tears" But... my BAYBAYS. Snape solemnly nodded. If only they were not his baybays, he thought. If only... Snape clutched Harry's shoulder as he wept. He was now suffered PTSD. He hadn't slept for days. Oh, the things he'd seen...

there was a creepy rapping on the door. snape turned electric green and started shaking. "faaa...therrrr!" came the strange eery gurgling noise on the other side. harry looked enthusiastic...until the door opened.

in marched eleven identical monster children. they had the bodies of a hyenas, the faces of micheal keatons. they were indeed an ugly...ugly lot. it sent shivers down everyones spines.

then, the twelf one entered. it looked like david beckham's face on the ass of a walrus. it was obviously the pretty one. the room's knees buckled, instantly falling in love with the faerie child.

The many babies(?) hobbled around the room on their wobbly legs, making horrible ghost noises. One of the Michael Keaton's climbed to Harry's lap. Harry looked at it in horror as it opened its gaping maw. "Ma... ma?" Harry SCREAMED.

"HUNNY GET IT OFF I'M SCAAARED" Snapee grapped a bat and beat the little monstrosity off his young love boy. Davie Bechham watched solemnly. Snape looked at him in quiet horror. The thing seemed to be planning something. It's eyes glowed dimly. A chill ran down Snape's spine. He couldn't move one inch. David Beckham's mouth began to open... it became wider... and wider still... it's jaw was unhinged, with teeth protruding grossly. It let loose a horrible screech that froze the many Michael keaton's in place. The fallen one that had been clawing at harry's chest for milk slowly rose, its expression blank, and its eyes now also glowing softly. There was no doubt about it. These... things... were evil. Now the rest of their mouths unhinged, and they screeched as well, as though it were some kind of pack gathering call.

Madame Pomfy entered cheerily. "Well, this is much better than last time! All of these babbys are very healthy indeed! Just be sure to never get them wet." As she said the last sencatnce, her eyes bore into Snape's stiffly.

Snape however, was a big boy and didnt like being told WUT TO DOOO! He waited until madam pomfy closed the door (he was ascared of her) and then he through a tank of water at the door. it luckily, did not spill open on the children of the damned. but alas! snape started laughing so hard at his own rebelliousness and softly peed a gallon of golden goods on the floor. LUCKLY! none of the Hyena Kid Gang was close enough to touch it. they were safe. 

UNTIL THE WOBBILY HAM HANDED HAROLD SPILLED A DROP OF HIS APPLE JUICE ON the HOSPOROL FOOD TRAY! D8

the dirty dozen started turn themselves inside out! willy wonky! up a donkey! hut hut munch and punch! snape and hary shook in the corner, simultaniously stealing plasma and being frightened to def! hey! This guys got em scared to def!

Snape held his young boyriend, now sprouting into a hansome young man. Look at me. He said. "Look at me, bayby girl..." Harry slowly looked into his eyes, watery with age. "If I don't make it out of this, tell ur mom I love her." Harry rubbed hs face against Snape's face. He was still dry. It was weird. He felt like the friction would tear the old, unmoistenedpapery skin, but he was sure that "AAAAHHHH!"

OH GAWD HIS SKIN TORE. Snape's skin had come loose, and his face was pouring blood every where! Harry stood up quickly and faced his inside out boy children. "This is YOU'RE fault you HELL BREATURRRES! KKKRRREEEAAACHERRR HATES FILTHY MUDBLOOD CHILLENS" Now Harry's eyes glowed. The babies had there mother's eyes. :3

A horrible black goo ozzed from Harry's lips. It spilled to the ground and crept toward the babys. For once, they seemed hesitant.

then, cautiously, one of the michael keatons started to crawl slowly forth, eyes growing dimmer and lighter, dimmer and lighter! The beautiful beckham boy barked a tentive warning, its many ponytails sticking on end. it was to no avail. michael hyena could not be stopped. he dipped his snaggle toothed no chin muzzle into the goo. At first nothing happened. he looked up, a dumb lopsided smile crinkling onto his face. "UH HUHUH!" he let fly a laugh that would make a rock want to move to another state. and then...

BOOOOOM! he EXPLODED! 8?

the other baybehs started yipping and running around, trying to get to the dumbledoor! but young harry, furious that his old man lover/uncle had a probably expensive plastic surgery in his future, opened his mouth wider in a yell of fury! "RATCHA CHA CHACHAH! RRRrrrrrrRRRRATTTCHAHAAA!" and an explosion of thick black tary substance filled the room!

one by one the dreaded baby foes popped like awful elephant balloons. it was the spooky stuff of nightmares. when harry finally stopped screaming, there was only one baby left. the david beckham. it had scampered atop the cabinets where the hospital keeps all of its fantasy non_fiction readings, as well as some porn from the early 80s.

"YOU." harry pointed an accusatory finger at the walrus. "YOU are...too beautiful to die. and...too beautiful to live."

...

TWO DAYS LATAIRE

harry and snpa were sitting in their living room, snuggled up together on a big comfy chair by the fire, hot cocoa cupped in their mittened hands. hari carassed his snapper s face, mostly healed for only $22 in an alley behind the hospital. they laughed joyously, their heels kicked up on their new footstool. a new footstool that looked a lot like a stuffed...

david beckham

Harold and Snake toasted they're spooky champayne (house of spooky payne) glasses and threw there heads back in spooky laughter. "And to think..." Snape slithered spookily into Hary';s ear, "it could have been ssssssso much sssssssspoooooookierrrrrr..."

Harry giggled and then spoke in his blossoming spooky man voice, "yes, my spooky darling. Much spookier indeed." They leaned slowly toward each other. Their lips met in a spooky kiss. The spookiest of kisses there has ever was.

Harry closed the Spooky Magic Halloween Book he had taken out from the library, hugged it to his chest, and sighed happily (spookily). He pulled his ghost blanket up to his chin, and his soggy Snapper curled close. This was the best Labor day ever.


	11. Johnny Snake Eyes, Journeyman, Lover

A/N: This next chapter is for my good friend Midnight. I really thought thought he'd enjoy this original character a lot. Sorry that I'm straying from canon, but this just felt right. So right...

Chapter 11: Johnny Snake Eyes, Journeyman, Jack of all Trades, and Lover

Snap was shaking. Trembling. It made him slip in his own greese. He slippedn every approxamit 14 seconds. His dark watery beetle eyes would dart repeatedly to his upper left limb. In his clammy crab hands, (no, just the right one) he grasped a heavily stamped post card. This couldnt be happening. No, every time something (or someone ;)~) was going good for him, his AWFUL cousin would somehow (leik he had a damn raydar or something, SHIT) would come visit snack in his shitty grotesque beautiful and cozy country cabin apartment and RUIN whatever was making him happy. ….D8

The postcard was beautiful. The cool kind where the picture changes depending on the angle. Not that shitty normal one picture kind. Those suck. His writing was streamlined, and he signed the card with a picture of his own face. Asshole never learned how to spell his own name. What a smelly dick bag. But our old snapper had no choice but to see him. His gross, cocaine addicted cousin, Johnny Snake Eyes... Snape looked out his window meaningfully, and leaned against it. This was hard to accept. And how would he tell Harry? Poor, innocent little harry. That JERK Johnny Snake Eyes always took his ladies. Ever since they were little. He was almost too forceful about it, he sustected.

"What's wrong, my darling greaseball?" Oh no! Harr had snuck up on Snape without him noticing. He clucthed the postcard. His greasy sweat socking it into spitball consistency. "N-n-NOTHING IT"S NOTHIIIIING!" Harry was startled by Snape's arrogant shouting. As if he didn't know that Snape was upset... He had pooped the bed this morning and had been moping all day

tiny beads of I dont know what came rolling off snaps fivehead. He looked at the young lady before him. Did he remember the poop from earlier? He wonders. I cleaned it as fast as I could. He snuck a quik glance into the bedroom. Brown smears were visible all over the sheets, like when a child accidentally leaves chocolate in his pocket and in goes through the washing machine and then the dryer. And then they trie to convince all their friends at school or sunday schools that its chocolate and not shit, but no ONE BELIEVES YOU AND THEY ALL CALL YOU TURDPANTSKY UNTIL THE DAY YOU GRADUATE COLLEGE AND AGAIN AFTER THAT BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL DRUNKK FOR YOU DAY AFTER GRADUATION. YOU LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN, DIPSHIT. THEYRE GOING TO SEE YOU AROUND AND THAAAANKS MOM! THANKS FOR MAKING ME WEAR THESE PANTS TO SCHOOL! I KNOW IT WAS LAUNDRY DAY BUT SHIIIIIT!

snoaop forces the sheets and pants from his mind. He must now think of the force that is coming. And the force. It will be big. With all of the force of a high water typhoon. He quickly eats the signatured face of his cousin, because wee harold has grabby hands and was pinching at the postcard like a bum trying to grasp receipts out of your back pocket to use for toilet paper and toilet readings later at the bus station and down behind the trader joes on 4th street. He did not want harry to see the face of his basterd cousin. And he wouldnt. Not if he could help it.

Johnny Snake Eyes rolled into town the very next day! ;D Snape snivelled at the sight. His sparkling smile, his cool guy sunglasses, his suit jacket with the sleeves rolled up, his nice, full, styled hair, a smear of white powder under his nose, his normal guy sweat... He supposed he'd always been a wee bit jealous of his cousin. BUT WHO WOULDN'T BE, I MEAN COME ON. "Hello... Johnny Snake Eyes..."

Johnny Snake Eyes clapped Snape on the shoulder. He began to bleed profusely, but Johnny Snake Eyes continued anyway. "heyyy cuz! How's it hannin? You score any peeps for me to meet? Im a col guy, and im just her 4 a gud tayme." Johhny Snake Eyes trailed off, and stared hard at the ground. His eyes rimmed with red. He scrurried away for a moment, and then came back, cheerful once again with fresh powder under his nose, and a gun in his hand.

Both eyes and pistol gleamed wild with excitement! "heyyy cuz!"he drawled, teeth gleamin like that gay guy in the second book. sanpe frivolously bit at his own white beard, and then bellowed and pushed johnny snake eyes out of his house! out of his liiiiife! he huffed against the door and manically looked towards the soft tender babe sleeping blissfully in his dresser. No! No I "cant let him have henri!" he squirmed to himself. He rushed to the bed drawers, scooping the boy up with one fell swoop and took him, blankets and all, and heaved him dramatically and painfully into a closet. Oofo!

Snape leaned heavily on the closet door. Throbbing sobs ripped through him as he remembered fondly the little black haired boy he once knew. He turned around to be dramatic the other way. And AHH!

"heyyy cuz!" johnny snake eyes spat happily, his face matte with lots of white powder. It was probably powdered sugar. A beauty secret, no doubt. Snape was beside himself with fury. Why did his cousin have to always have his shit together so perfectly! I mean, I see my mom with Poder under her nose all the time, and she doesn't have a mustache like me. Next thing Snapes saw, was Johnny Snake Eyes at his closet. "H=Mind if I burrow a muscle shirt brah?" Before Snape could say a word, Johnny Snake Eyes threw the doors of the closet open. "heyyy cuz!" Snape winced. He must have seen the still body of harold and kumar. "I see you didn't take my fashion advice." Well that was true. His closet was still full of blackent burned cloaks and souvenir tshirts from the many Hansen concerts he'd attended.

"uhm..." he began, sweating heavily. Johnny Snake Eyes didn't seem to have noticed young Hary, sleeping comfortably at the bottom near his black, angry shoes. "No, I... I'm sorry"

"CUZIN DON'T U WANT 2 B COOL GUY?"

"IDK LOL!"

Johnny snake eyes laughed and rubbed his tits. "yooure makin my boobs hurt, cousssin!" and winked.

He scanned the closet thouroughly and not at all "yeeeahh...gimme one of them shirts with the long blonde hair chicks on it! That young ones pretty hawte, ehh?' snhaape grudgingly handed over his least favorite of the hansen shirts (this one was signed only by Taylor, that idiot who plays the durms). Johnny snake eyes giggled and rubbed his white face all over the shirt and then huffed it deeply. With bloody red eyes, he sighed and looked down at the floor. It seemed to be moving. ("shit...maybe I shouldnt take so much heroine.") suddenly the floor yawned and coughed a deep smokers hack. A shiny young boy slowly rose from the floor. Johnny snake eyes eyes widened with shock. "cousin sanpe, I think you have an infestation! The biggest raccoon ive ever seen is in here!" he teetered over the boy, and Harry beamed up at the gorgeous businessman hoovering over him. Snap seeeeethed with jell lousy! Grgrrgrgrrrrrrggrrgrrrr!

handsome harold held out a hand for the man he was quickly and deeply starting to love. He was like his own snacktime wallaby, only very clean. His hair was shiny, in a healthy way. There was no goo to be found. His teeth werent stained with tabacco juices. They were practically transparent they were so clean. And his face was rosy and pink like a fat german boy. His fingernails were impeccably spotless. And yet he was the same age, the same as his own elder love.

As the two grasped hands, snake in the background shreiked.

Harry was deeply... IN LUST? He wqanted to kiss Johnny Snake Eyes all over his face. All over his clean, watery face. Johnny Snake Eyes grinned down at him. It was like everything faded into the distance. There was no cabin house apartment. No Hanson shirts. No horrifyed screams of anguish coming from Snape's mouth. They were in heaven. Just a boy... and a boy... "Heyyy boy, wanna go grab a sexy bite togetherz?" Harry bit his gentile lip coyly and fluttered his eyelashes at Johnny Snake Eyes. Snape continued to roll around in anguish, screaming like FUKKING PATTY NELSON DID WHEN I STABBED HER THE OTHER DAYYYYYY

And then the FUKKING PRINCIPALLY sent me home and gave me an F for lunch period. I always got an A in lunch! I am a good eater! not like stupid anorexic idoit Geogia from Parauguay. She fukkinj nibbles on the end of a stupif fukkin saltine cracker. I mean, super fukking seriously. Get that bitch out of my cafeteria. Brad is a good eater. I like that in a man. Ive seen him eat a whole hero sandwhich once. And another time he ate 30 hot dogs, all very sensually. And then he puked. I bet thats his secret to being sexy. When I eat 30 hot dogs, my knees buckle a little more. With lard. Maybe I should get an eating disorder. Not like stupid fukking fat bitch geogia. A real one. Like bulimia.

ANYWAAAAYYYYyYyyYyy, Harry was entranced by Johnny Snake Eye's glittering black beetle eyes. He played with the hem of his skirt and turned his gaze to the ground, blushing. "Johnny Snake Eyes...?"

He leaned manlyly over him. "Yes little boy?"

Harry blushed deeply and looked back at his face. "Will you... go to PROM with me?"

Snape ROARED AGAIN BEHIND THEM!

they, of course, just like brad stimpleton on so many occasions, ignored him. Him and his pain. His hurting pain. Deep depp inside. But I forgive you, brad. I know you have important stuff to do. Im sure youre just shy. Someday youll be a man, and ill make you that man, and you will have the guts to take me upion your knee, and we will make sweet, tender, viscious love in the water, like all fat girls fantasize about. Because it makes us feel skinnier, or not as gross or something. Idk. Onward.

Johnny snake eye's eyes darted back and forth, seeing multiple harrys and yet none. "Yeah, sure thing little dumplin...eeeehhhhh...(he paused to breath quickly and shallowly for about 2 solid minutes) ….*cough* you uhh...youre over 18, right, baby girl?" Henri looked up bashfully and shook his head slowly. "gug enuf for meee, sweet thaaang. Lets do the wild munch bunch!" he then spun around like a slow helicopter trying to lift off the ground. Then he looked up, confused and lost, and ambled from the room. Harry was sold.

Finally, he became aware of Snape's contiuoues SCREEEEEEAMING! Harry pranced over to his crusty old crabby snapper fish. "Darling! I got a date for Prom? Whyyyy do you SCREAM SO?"

"HOW COULD U DO THIS 2 MEH I LURVD U"

"YELLING WON'T SOLVE ANYTHING"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Harry went quiet, his face shadowier than before. "Server, if you loved me, you would let me go."

Snape shook a fist in fury. "Harold, you don't know what you're getting into. This is bad cool guy!"

"YOU'RE baf col guy."

"Snape was stunned. His Harry had never spoken to him like that before."

severloon shook once moar with thick sobs. "I I I I I I II IIII III..." he couldnt bear to look at hry. "I think...it is best you GO NOW!" HE STARTED crying so hard he started coughing. Like really hard. Phlegm was everywher. It was gross. Heri didnt really care. He was getting tired of the old man getting in his bidness,, getitng in the way of his love lifffe. It was time he broke out of this joint. Broke out of this fragile cage, this...fragile rib cage of a man slender skelecage. MIGUEL STOP RUBBING YOUR BOOGERS ON THE COMPUTER

Henri ran. He didn't know where... just ran... and ran...

He looked about. OMG WHERE WAS HE? There were creepy alleys, and a dock, and the ocean. Were those sailors? They were eyeing Hary and smiling, nodding slowly. Predatorly. Harry felt nervous. Little rumblies and tinglies in his tumbly. He turned and walked stiffly away, looking for a police officer man, or a telephone booth to call for help. _Oooooomg omg omg I hope they're not following me. _Harry sweated profusely. He heard footsteps behind him. He whipped his head around and saw the old sailors following him. Maybe he could take them...? They growled seductively. One licked his lips. One licked Harry's lips. "AAAAAAH AH NO NO NO NOOOO!" They held tight to his arms. "A BLOO BLOO BLOO" Harry cried. Suddenly, a Mitsubishi Akita pulled up beside them. The door flew open and out stepped none other than

Johnny Snake Eyes. He said "NO! BAD! SHOO! GIT OUTTA HERE!" The sailors scampered away and left the two of them alone. He kneeded down to eye level with Heri. "ARE YOU CRAZY? He just looked dumbfounded. "how did you know I wuz heeeer?" he squealed in his whiny voice, trying to sound like a luxurious man. Johnny snake eyes just looked pissed and like he had just crapped his pants. Harry bit his lips a bunch and tried to look awkward-kewl. Johnny snake eyes ripped his hansen body suit and garbled in what he thought was a sexy brooding tone, "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY WERE THINKING...WHUT THEH WRR...WUT..." he slipped into a weird spazzy seizure sort of thing, and harry listened to his melodious screeches and slurred words like they were a symphony at one of those places where rich people go to listen to good sounds.

Suddenly they were in johnny snake eyes' expensive silver car speeding down the road. It must have been awhile later because when harold looked up, johnny snake eyes' mustache had turned white. He must have been scared. Scared of his own feelings for harry. Harry was unabashedly lusting after the older man.

Harry tenderly rested a hand on Johnny snake Eye's thigh and caressed it. Johnny Snake Eyes shuddered in hidden delight. "Ohhhhhhh ho ho hoooo Harol, u turnin me own." Hery stared intently at Johnny Snake Eyes' profile and began to rub his peener. Johnny Snake Eyes pushed his hand away.

"Nooooo hery, I'm... er... driving.. Yeah. That" harry leaned his forehead against the window of the car, the pattering of rain noising softly, cooling his folder. "Hary? U k?"

"NO. WHEN WILL WE BE HOME I WANT TO GO TO BED."

"burt herri-"

"NOOOOOOOO"

handsome harold stewwed and felt his silent pouting slowly morph into a full blown temper tantrum. The car was suddenly filled with a low moan that quickly turned into a high pitched shriek. Hairy tried to grab a bunch of knobs and punch the door handle. But johnny snake eyes car was far too slick, much like the man hisself. When harris's chubby paws failed to hold on to anything, he hiccuped a stupid "hukk...hhhukk...hukk..."and stared down into his lap. but just when everyone thought the fire in henris veins was cooling, he went into a blind rage and started violently chewing and pulling on the seat belt. He had never felt so used...so led on...so put down! XC

johnny snake eyes was freakin out, man. "i haf to get rid of this freakin' kid!"

Johnny screeched to a halt in front of Snape Manor and booted Harry out of his car. He zoomed away. "WE'RE STILL ON FOR PROM RITE?" Harry called after him. No answer. Hari waved a hand dimisvly and said "aahhhh..." He walked back into his Snape's house.

"WHAT R U DOING HERE I SAID IT WAS BEST IF YOU GO NOW!" Snape whispered.

Harry batted a large tender paw at his old man sometimes-companion. Snaps willowy limbs trembled with stress. Hisi gross, almost non-existant thin lips were white. He watched as his former manboy lover sauntered into his playroom, a chicken fiddle hidden under his hoodie jacket. "no." the old man thought quietly. "no. he is trying to put on weight for sexy curves. I must not let him become a valuptious vixen." he floated towards the shut playroom door, where henrietta had just disappeared thru.

Snape passed through the doorway. Harry was eating his chicken viola while wearing a cowboy costume. Snape drooled hungrily. It wasn't for the chicken. ;) "Hari". Snape said. "Henri. "Snape said. "Come to bed wit mee." Hary looked at him snobbishly.

"No. You wanted me gone. So now I am."

Snape said "Wah?"

And with that... harry faded away like a vintage memory...

-AT PROM DINNER-

Heery gazed at himself longingly in the girls bathroom. As he pwdered his nose, he noticed the way his bright pank, sequined-princess cut dress sparkled off his slender shoudler. He blushed deep crimson and leaned closer into the mirror to observe his perfection. The way his tan mustache was curling slightly at the ends, the way his tufts of orange armpit hair stuck at at all the right angles...the way his size 14 neon yellow high heels fit (with only the last two...count em, two toes poking out of the sides.) he was starting to lust after himself. Just wait until johnny snake eyes got ahold of his child-bearing hips on the dance floor! He giggled thinking of it. Harminy came out of one of the stalls and came to stand next to harry. She was wearing what harry deemed to be a dress made of duct tape, like only poor or unpopular kids do, and her mustache was not nearly as sparce as harrys. He snorted like the evil queen bee he was, and in his fluctuating voice started harassing th jet-black hairred gal.

"Hairmoeenee, u no look gud lol" Hermione snorted, and her mustache hairs floated slightly from the suction.

"Harry. Wanna make out?" Harry was touched for a moment. She was the only one to ever get his name right. He scratched his chest over his name tag. He almost obliged. Almost. When he was close, he reached up and tugged out half of her mustache. No one would be a beautiful as he.

He rushed out of the bathroom, leaving Hermoanie bleeding and scremaing on the floor. Outside, there was Johnny Snake Eyes waiting with a corsage for handsome heri. Harry floated over to him like Glinda the good witch and ripped the corsage from his hands and pinning it viciously on his sequinned breast. "I LOVE IT!" he licked his lips seductively at Johnny Snake Eyes. He looked away nerv ously.

"Alright, get in the car. Let's get din din"

"BUT WE HAVENT DAAAANCED!" harry cried. He was starting to make a scene again, and it was making our johnny snake eyes uncomfortable and nervous. But mostly enraged. Finally he obliged, just to shut the kid up. As they danced, other kids scrmabled out of the way. They were scared of the boy. The wild boy who ripped other peoples mustaches off and pinned them to his chest. The boy who lived. Who really...really lived. As johnny snake eyes watched the boy in his oblivious state of ex-stacy, a terrified shiver went up his back. He needed to get out of here, man. Bad flashbacks, man! Where was his magic bag of flavored snowflakes?

Harry saw hermkiandi spin out onto the dance floor with her lover missus Snape. The two women looked magnificent togeth-WHAT HOW DID THE MUSTACHE RETURN

Harry was full of murder thoughts. Johnny Snake Eyes was full of bad memories. "'arry babe, gonna brb". Herher smiled. At least he had a hotter date.

Suddenly, Johnny Snske Eyes returned. He was ow wearing a mask and a hat, but Hary knew it was him. "Herrryyyyy..." His masked lover slithered in his ear. "I luv uuuu" Herry felt his special place (That he saved only for... the one) tingle in a pleasant way. Johnny Snake Eyes returned behind the IMPOSTER with a white smear under his nose.

"heyyy cuz..." he said. Harry's eyes widened. A LIAR WAS HOLDING HIM HANDSOMLY AROUND IS WASIT.

Harry playfully pushed him away. "GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FUKKING TURD BAG LIARRRRR" Snape covered his face with his cape and fled. Harry ruffled his feathered and chirped wildly.

Johnny snake eyes leered handsomely at his cousin. "heyyy cuz!" he said louder. Snape spun back to where he was and spun on the spot. "herry." he said. "hari." he said again, each time he saw harry. Harry swayed on the spot, teetering between throwing another fit and being flattered that he had not one, BUT THREE men vying for his affections and bodeh. "You spin me right round, baby. Right round. Please...do not love my beaudacious cousin. He has all the luck and ladies, and lady lucks. And hes pretty good at frisbee golf too. I hate him. Hate him with me?" he simpered up at the small boyman.

Harry was torn. However, he did not like being decieved, and he wanted to teach the old turtle a lesson. And not the kind with a piano, if you know wut I mean. ...

He said nothing, noTHIIIIING! but took the cleaner cousin face biker car sailsman by the powdered hand, and left poot snack in the school gym, spinning slowly by himself. He was not there to see the olf man stop spinning. He stopped...and cried. He cried so hard, he never thought hed stop. He cried salty tears, which attracted the school bully and headmaster, Rom. Rom swooped down upon him like a lazy fly, and lapped up his tears. Then he sang. The most beautiful of songs burst forth from his brightly colored feathered chest, and snap was instantly healed! He knew! He knew what he had to do to win back the love of his life! His LOOOOVE! HIS LOOOOOOVVEEEEEE! (leik I love you, brad. I love you bad. Love me with me?)

Harry was finally out to a romantic dinner with the handsome manish Johnny Snake Eyes. Johnny Snake Eyes squirmed awkwardly in his chair whilst ery stared dreamily at him. "Oh Johnny Snake Eyes... You are the best boyfriend..."

"Horace." Johnny Snake Eyes began, not sure if that was even the boy's name, "I need to tell you something."

Wait hunny. Haryu said. "Let me fed you this sugared strawbrry." He pressed it against Johnny Snake Eyes' mouth forcefully. He grimaced, but evebntually his lips were parted and the straberry was shoved inside his wet orifice. Harry made him lick his boy fingers.

Johnny Snake Eyes chewed slowly and upsetly. "MPHRY" He yelled around the food. He forced the strawberry down his throat. It was hard and spiny. "Hary." he said seriously. I don't like you like that."

Harrys heart felt like a stone come crashing down his body into a million little fibres. He started to hyperventilate. No one! No one turned down harry! He flipped right the fukk out. Right in the resatuarnt. He picked up his bottle of whiskey and threw it at johnny snake eyes. "HOW...HOW DAAAARE YOOOU! HOW...YOU DARE?" he screamed a little bit about the increase in immigration and the rising cost of postage stamps, and then he blacked out.

When young master henrod awoke, it was in an old peoples home. The smell hit his nostrils like a mac truck. Chunks of corn chowder dribbled down his chin before he could stop it. He blearily opened his eyes to see a dashing johnny snake eyes standing over him, standing next to a probably 170 year old woman. "uuughh...he puked a little moar."

"Harry. Harry man. Heyyy, harry. This is what iv be trying to tell ou. I like woman. Old woman." and here the obscenely handsomely cousin of snap squeezed the droopy wrinkled buttock of the unimaginably old lady. She squealed and giggled softly.

Harry felt calm. "I understand now... I'm sorry, Johnny Snake Eyes." Johnny Snake Eyes firmly nodded once.

"But don't tell my cousin. Nobody knows this embarrassing secret. That is why I agree to go out with you. I wanted to seem... "he took a deep breath, and stared meaningfully out the window. "NNNORRRMALLL."

Harry felt calm. "I understand now... I'm sorry, Johnny Snake Eyes." Johnny Snake Eyes firmly nodded once.

"Har, it's time for me to take you home." Johnny Snake Eyes hair blew in the wind. "To your lover man."

Finally, Harry had become sure. There really was no one better for him than Snape.

Back at Snap's crumbling apartment, snack sat in the corner like a large bulbuos black spider, with spindly legs and greasy hair. He cried as he ate totinos tiny pocket pizzas and looked at various scrapbooks he had made during the time he had spent with harry. He was currently looking at the slumber scrapbook. It was filled with loads of pictures he took of harry while he slept. A wave of new sobs was about to erupt when all of the sudden!

haryy charged through the door! his silouette against the outside light was beautiful, like a stag in the mystical forest. "SNAPPER, MY DIRTY DOVE!" he crooned. Snakle jumped up and ran to his boylove, embracing him in his arms. Both men cried joyously.

"NEVER LEAVE ME AGIN!" snark whispered into harrys brown hari. "I WONT..." harry chided. "I wont...also...your cousin is an old lady lover."

"ya. Wut a fukkin weirdo."

GLITTER FLEW THROUGH THE AIR AND THE TWO MEN LAUGHED UNTIL THEY BECAME DEHYDRATED FROM PEEING THEIR PANTS SO MUCH.


	12. Reflections

A/N: Well, folks, we're nearing the end of the journey. I hope you like where all this is going. Also, I got a beta! I hope you critics change your mind about my writing now. :)

Chapter somethingorother: Reflections

Harry sat on his leetle bed with the curtains drawn, tears rolling down his forlorn cheeks. He sobbed through his words. "WHY-HY-HY-HY-HYYYYY MY OLD HANDOSME SNAPPEROONIE? WHYYYYYY" He clutched his old photo album to his chest. Withered yellow photos flapping out of the sides.

Herry's handosum heraldo snake man mmmmm mmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmm, was taking his fine greasy ass into space. Henri's bosom heaved violently with silent sobs, as he posed artfully against ikea furniture in some room in his house he had only just discovered. He stood there, body twisted in unnartual fashions, as though hoping one of the many hidden cameras around the house would capture his left calf muscle. He had been working out and damn if our little tugger didnt want credit for it!

Henri shakily opened his photo book and flipped through it. Letting out forceful sobs when pictures caught his eye. Snape with his peener up Hary's patootie, Snape with his tongue in Hary's earlobe, Snape with his finger in Hary's mouth, Snape with his peener up Hary's peener... Harry reminiced fondly, of those many times.

_Snape stroked Harry's chek, and pressed soft kisses to their necks. Henri froze. "Snaper, please dont."_

"_It's okay, Henri... You came to the mall to meet me. We love each other, right?"_

"_But I've never..."_

"_Henri... Henri... _

"_Please dont"_

"_Henrrriiiiiii..."_

_Harry closed his eyes, and mouthed the words "That's not my naaaaame..."_

But whether it was his name or Gabe was, snap didnt know. All that he knew was that earth and hos small childlike boytoyu needed a hero. When president Mayor announced the only was the save earth was by covering a metoer or the sun or something in cold molten tar, Snack knew what he had to do. He was the only "human" who could produce such a substance. Finally, the huge industral sized vats of grease and goo he produced each day would come in handy. See, Brad. Things that MAY seem gross, like toe thumbs and hairy nipples and pealing skin on your ass DO serve a PURPOSE! For FUKKS sAEK! Evne Mehgan Fukkikng Fuxx has toe thumbs!111! ! FUCKUBRADILOVEYOUUUU!

Snapy crept realy slowly into Hary's room. Like, one step at a time. And then waiting a minute. He didn't want to scare away the young skittish boi. Finally, he was looming over Harry's shoulder, reading the photos open in his pubescent lap. A tear fell from Hery's eyeball, did a corkscrew mid air, and landed on a phtoto of snape's cheek. Hary saw a reflection of his man lover in the shiny photo pages. He gasped and looked above him and Snape's stern, shadowy face. Harry's instincts kicked in. They told him to run! RUNNNNNNN! He shot up, but Snape had grabbed hold of the pretty lad's tiny wrist, holding him in place.

"Henri..." he mumbled, a horny tone in his voice. "Whar do u think ur goin" After harold bucked and bronco'ed for awhile, he finally subsided into soft hisses for a few ours. Snackable watched intently for most of it. Other times, he read the Gideon's Bible that most hotels kept safely hidden in empty drawers from dainty robbers dressed like raccoons. "horry. C'mon man. Like, jeezus, man. Im only going into space to see the sun or something. Everyone wants to do that at some point in their lives. Im like, 80. I'll only have like 5 more chances to do this." Hefty let a few furry tears trickle down his wrinkled face. "i know that now. Tell me again?"

Snape stared at Harry and sighed, shaking his head a little. Hir poor harold had suffered some mild brain damage in the car accident that took the lives of his parents. "I'm like, 80. I'll only have like 5 more chances to do this."

Hary nodded solemnly. "And what is to become of me...? am I supposed to return to being but a poor flower girl, selling the occassional violet on the streets? Having only the rats to keep me company?"

Snape put his withered, greyish hand on his small shoulder. "Don't be silly. Rats hate homeless people."

This was true and Harriet knew it. "wELL you know I dont like to work or any sort of physically labour." the young old man paused here, looking as middle aged as ever, and waited for a response. When none came from the man who looked more like an angler fish than a hominoid, he continues. "I guess...I guess i'll just have to rent myself out as a bang maid." he knew these last words would turn the man playhing Parcheezy by himself in the corner into the vicous, thin-mustachioed huntress that he had fallen in love with. When once again he was met only with silence, he added, "a bang maid for the Amish." Thata dun it.

Snoopy jumped up, the checkers flying everywhere. "NO SON OF MINE WILL WORK FOR NONE OF THEM DONKEY-TOTIN' ROCKING CHAIR-MAKERS!" he flew violently across the room, slurping henrat's face like gorgonzola on a stick! A purple blush bloomed across his lover's face and then...darkness.

When hefhaf woke up, he felt calm and peaceful. He saw a box of animal crackers stocked in his room and new all was well.

Snape took wee hary on a drive to the park. They laid in a field together, knowing today might be their last together. Harin adjusted his floral print dress, and snap licked his glasses affectionately. "I will miss you my little f$%$#^* you're so beautiful. I will miss %&^^&$$8 and &&&(*%%#$. Hary sadly nodded and munched on an animal cracker.

Snape GRABBED IT out of his hand ANGRILY! "It's cute!" He made it walk across Harry's belly. "Some stuff about a nature show. Animal noise! And then it hides in your underwear."

Harry gasped! And giggled like a schoolgirl. He let the cracker rattle arounndn in his grannie panties, and clutched Snapes Collar. He pulled him down, so his mouth was right next to his ear. He whispered, almost inaudibly. "I'm pregnant"

Snake mouthed words wordlessly. He was at a loss for those things. Words. Finally he croaked. "Herry. no. we got your testicals removed. Remember we didnt like the way they felt when they bounced against our knees?" he brushed his little luvr's sweaty red hair from his eyees.

Heckle huffed and puffed his chest out like a walrus, making the uhp-uhp-uhp-uhp-uhp puh puh! Noise as he oft did when he was feeling angry or threatened. His plan to tie down his man with pregancy again had failed. Hermione's new gorwn and bushy mustache again blew as she exhaled mightliy from the corner. Runnie suckled a rock he found in the lake. He was teething.

Snape SLAPPED at him, and PUNCHED HIM IN HIS STOMACH. If the young boy was being truthful, best take utmost precautions.

SNAPE BEAT HARRY'S HEAD AGAINT THE STONE GROUND! Over and over! Oh, porr Hary. If only he realized what his little lie could do. He bled extravagantly, all over Snape's new boots. "THESE ARE ALLIGATORRRRR!"

Harny cried softly, as his head patched itself back together wolverine-style. "i-i-i-it wuz a accideeennnt"

"I DONT BELIEVE YOU, SMALL BITCH!" sev loudly hiccuped. That word looks like cupid. Huh. SNAPE WUZ IN LOVE ONCE AGAUN, THANKS TO THAT FAGGY LITTLE BABY WITH THE STICK. But just to make sure, he stabbed harree with a buttercup right through the chest. He was gut-shot. It reminded him of that previous time they had a baby and Harry had smothered it with a pillow too hard. It was done for the better. That baby was made of iron, and got cold easily. The neighbors accused them of being bad mother. To prove them wrong, they decided to kill the baby and bury it in a shallow grave under the shed in the well in the woods. He nodded in agreement. He was a good wife.

Hennef looked up at snak kkk with blood trickling softly out of the corner of his mouth and BEAMED! 8D" "lets go home maiden faire!" he said, weakly extending the brittle branch he called a hand (sever had been starving him). Snoo broke his hand with his iron grip, and the galloped home in a two-step kinda way.

He wanted to make sweet salty love to the tender vittle in his arms. He had not wanted him more than when Johnny Snake Eyes, his beloved sister had visited and harmy had fallen for her. When snarry had though heverus was leaving him for his sister, he had grown jealous and brought hermione to the prom. But the entire time, he just wanted him. And that night, they had sweet, beautiful, tender wood whittling parties together.

And then they had sex.

He was still a little sad they had started doing it when they did. The whole time it was happening, all he could think about was their promise on their first date together. Then promise to stay absitnent until they marriaged each other. But their need for eachother was so strong... Like rom's arms... so... so strong.

Harvey laid in snaper's arms, curled up in fetal position, but like a dead spider, where his arms are curled inward. He stared up at him, his eyes glistening. He wondered hwo he was so lucky, to get such a man's man as he.

Snapper hadn't felt so lucky since his birthday. All his favorite friends had shown up, and he had oh! Just the most marvelous cake! Straight from a real life bakery! Like in the movies! With frosting, anf and even flour. Maybe even an egg! Together, they all partied til dawn. Harriets mother was even there. She wanted to have sex (she was so forward, the poor thing) but snivellus was a good girl, and was saving herself just for... _the one_. And then the most glorious news! Snapperz uncle Harry, who had given him the worst of kisses, had died from typhoid diabetes. They once again partied until the sun came up.

Harry w3as glad he had stayed so faithful to his beloved snapper, as he had to him. Except,,, there was one time... several summers ago... Harry's vision faded as he rememberrredddd

"_Hey Harry, harry, yo, dude, harmy, hey come here, Hary"_

"_No, Draco, go away."_

"_Hey you know, I was thinking, it'd be cool if we could hook up, and then I could tell all my friend about it and they would like me better and OH SHUCKS I shouldn't have said that part."_

"_Draco, get your sweaty palm off my thigh."_

"_Well, so I was thinking that you know, I could let you leave my apartment alive if you suck some peeners and stuff and maybe I could take you out for dinner at some point."_

"_Draco, stop rubbing me, I... ooohh..."_

"_And so if you got a big O, you could like... return the favor. I think that'd be pretty much win-win, right dude?"_

"_Draco, nnnoooo! I am in love with another!"_

"_WHO THE FUCK IS IT? I'LL KILL HIM AND YOU AND THEN MYSELF AND ALL MY FRIEND"_

Yes. That was a dark time indeed.

But now harriet the spy wanted to think of happier thoughts. he remembered one bright summer evening, when him and sneverlossenge sat one the porch, reading bedtime stories. He remembered the story quite well. it was about a beautiful couple who had 12 michael keatonses for doctors. these keatonses had delivered their blessed baby, an old man with a wicked eye for scrabble. whenever someone tried to beat him at go fish, they always ended up with the old maid...he was just that clever. they wanted him to grow up to be a strong senior baby citizen, so they enrolled the little veiny champ into boy scouts. it was all going well, and he even got his badge for selling stains. all that was left was his fire making badge. so on the day of his badge-giving, he had a super flame going. everyone was impressed, until one of the judges walked by and AAAAAHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! he had used the prize david beckham stool to stoke his fire! they had beaten him severely. so severely, his legs had fallen off. now he had to walk on his elbows. this was ok, as he was still better than that one guy in that circus movie with the knife is his mouth a-cater-pillarin' up to that lady's trailer to murder her. everyone is better than him. seriously. just roll him down a hill or something. anyhow, the whole story was really sensual, and the acatemy awards gave it liek 4 stars ir something because they were all so aroused. i heard like 50 babies were made that day. but nobody likes babies, and babies have no part in our story whatsoever. so. fukk them.

Snapperoni pizza, though, was filled with nothing but sadness. All he could think about was how he hadn't done right by this boy lad. He had left him in a dusty corner to grow emaciated and dirtiy with cobwebs, he had ocassionally given him too many cornbreads, letting him quickly get fat, he had let him starve a sexcond time, and worst of all, he had let that blond haired nazi boy rape the poor young tugglebottom.

Snapely had been walking the ground of the school he had grown so fond of, when he heard it. A subtle unf unf unf uunngghh from around the corner. As he peeked, he saw it. Two laads, shimmering in sweat. Dragon had harold pressed against a window, and was taking him hard and fast. He was rubbing his hands quickly ovr haris's but, as though he was trying to start a fire. Snape blushed when he saw it. Before he left, he saw little Harny reach a baby hand toward him, as a wavy word espaced his soft, flower petal lips. "hellllppp..."

He left in a hurry.

He was ashamed.

A day later, he murdered the blond boy.

But even though Peach Snapple had impeccible cleanliness and the utmost extensive hygiene (you could eat a fukking dinner plate off of him), he was still always catching his little hemroid banging with other boys. but old boys will be young boys. and although harri had scant a pube or chest hair on him, he reaked of the manliness and grown-upness that snake had been so drawn to. Deep in the heart of his ocean, he remembered the first time he had met heralso. it was when scankle was but a young rich woman, red hair flowing in the wind in immaculate curls, and heifner had ran up behind him to stop him from jumping off the ship. from then on, they were doing fun things like pretending flying on the front of the ship, drawing naked pictures, and boinking in old peoples cars (because they didnt understand young people ways).

Snape stroked hary's face. "I will miss you my little weedlebee. We've had some lively times."

Hary stroked hary's face. "Please don't leave me" he hissed.

"STOP BEING SO SELFISH." Snape shoved Harry away and then ran to the oil drilling rocket he was taking to the asteroid.

Harry ran after him. "No!" Harry unbuttoned his shirt. "No!" Harry took his pants and underwear off, his peener bobbing up and down as he runs. "No!" He put on some lipgloss. "No!"

But Snape wad gone. Harry ran the rest of the way to the rocket take off site. He stood in the buff, looking at the rocket, and saluted.

The rocket engine started, and the bottom of it glowed gloriusly. It slowly rose into the air. About 500 yards up, it flipped over and crashed into the ground nose first. And then it exploded.

A single tear rolled down hary's cheek.

SNAKE! SNAKKKKKKEEE! my dearest LOOOOOVE! "the naked boi powerwalked in his big white" tennis shoes to the spot where the rocketship had crashed. He threw himself dramamatically against the door of the ship, banging his pea-sized fists until it slid open. Harry coughed, screeching about apes and vulcans, and looked through the darkness into the sizzling of the programming keys or something. he called to his god, and harnessed his super powers of magickal truffle seeking pig snout, and with a creepy gnashing noise rooted around the rubble. his small elvin mouth wrapped around his former lover, and dragged him out onto the crisp burnt grass. black goo was seeping everywhere, black goo was seeping everywhere, and his luvr was basically a dinosaur sinking into the michelin man's melted corpse. it was no use. but darling henry would not give up! he bent over, trying to give the the man he once loved CPR! he jumped on top of him, mouth to mouth, and unnnn...he couldnt help but grind on him a little, and the more he grind..ed the more he got stuck. it was like watching a mosquito get caught in amber and slowly being covered to death by the beautiful brown glue, and not doing anything about it but watch with vague interest, because no one likes mosquitos. they say theyre still there, the manboy mound, just laying softly in a crater, the breeze doing nothing to them.

and hermoan and reggie jackson watched with dazzling bright eyes, before the dew drops came in the morn, and with a new wind of adventure, flew off into the mountains to grant wishes and friendship.


	13. Is This Real Life?

A/N: Well folks, we've come to the end. It's been a long journey, but I'm glad to have made it with you. If you have been following this story, but staying quiet, I would love to hear from you. Love, always,

Erika

Chapter 13: Is this real life?

Harry awoke with a start. He was drenched in cold sweat. The rain outside hammered against his windows. He sat up, breathing heavily, and looked around. Ron slept soundly in the bed beside his. Not an owl, not a schoolgirl, not a baby, just Ron, the way he had always been.

Harry rubbed his eyes. It had all been a dream. But it felt so real! He sucked in a breath and bit his lip, trying not to cry.

Harry had had many nightmares in his life. Vivid ones, all tied to Voldemort. Voldemort killing his loved ones, Voldemort ripping the very life out of him. He had woken up in intense pain before, so nauseated he had vomited all over his sheets. This dream...this dream was by far worse.

No matter how embarrassing it was, he couldn't get through this alone. He got out of bed, and went to Ron's side. He shook him gently, whispering just loud enough to get his attention. "Ron... Ron!"

His old friend snorted awake, and looked at him through bleary eyes. "All right, Harry?"

Harry held back for a moment, not sure what to say. "Er... This is... This is real, isn't it?" He immediately felt foolish. "What I mean to say... I just had a really awful dream, that's all."

Ron looked more awake now, sitting up to look Harry in the eye. "Was it Voldemort?"

Harry shook his head, and he relaxed. He clapped him on the shoulder. "Well mate, I wouldn't let it bother you."

"Yeah, you're right. Thanks Ron." Harry watched his friend smile up at him and then go back to bed. Harry stood a moment longer, watching Ron, making sure he didn't change into anything else. Finally, Harry conceded it really was all a dream. He sat back down on his bed, tired once more. He chuckled, wondering what he had eaten the night before. He sighed, and closed his eyes.

Snape's visage flashed in his mind, sending chills down his spine.

Harry never slept again.

The End


End file.
